Monday, August 31, 2009



You kill people all the time and totally ruin lives! What the FUCK?! I'm totally going to kick your ass.

Hey cancer! YOU'RE A BIG JERK!

(support me in the Ride to Conquer Cancer! Go to and donate to my name!)

Thursday, August 27, 2009

Guy that doesn't clear the microwave timer


You use the microwave to heat things up! You like to stop it before it beeps! Maybe you decided it was hot enough, maybe you just didn't want to wait that last 37's cool, I get it. But WHY do you not take the extra step and push the "Clear" button when you take your shit out?! Seriously? Seriously. You're one of those people that just leaves the remaining 37 seconds on the clock, so the next person that wants to use the microwave or check the time has to clear your shit first. You probably leave cupboard doors open and crumbs in the butter, too.

Hey guy that doesn't clear the microwave timer when he takes his things out early! YOU'RE A BIG JERK!

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Guy that wears so much cologne I can smell him when he’s in his car


You drive a car! Cool! You like to groom! Cool! You blast totally dope gino beats out of your car! Okay, whatever floats your boat!

Here’s the thing: when I pull my bike up beside your car and I can smell your cologne from the other side of the car, you are very uncool. Infact, you’re pretty stupid. If you wear so much cologne that I can smell you above truck exhaust, construction dust and that gross “Toronto” smell that we sometimes get, you are wearing too much cologne. I mean, I understand that your windows are open so maybe that’s why the smell was right in my face (I’d smell smoke or McDonald’s too, I’m sure), but when I can hardly take a breath in for fear of getting a headache, it’s gone too far. I feel sorry for any passenger that has to ride with you; they must really have a hard time breathing. Seriously, lay off the Axe. Your stench diameter is remarkably wide.

Hey guy that wears so much cologne I can smell him when he’s in his car! YOU’RE A BIG JERK!

Friday, August 21, 2009



It's 11:38am and you're still here. Please fuck off.
I am a stupid, stupid girl.

Hey hangover! YOU'RE A BIG JERK!

Thursday, August 20, 2009

Woman that stares at me while I'm naked


We're getting changed at the same time and you can't seem to take your eyes off me! Unless you want to have sex in the steamroom, stop looking at me while I'm naked. It's creeping me out.

Hey woman that stares at me while I'm naked! YOU'RE A BIG JERK!

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

People that have almost-sex on the subway


You're in love! Or maybe you just really like the person you're with! I'm so happy for you and really pleased that you seem to have found someone so awesome. You should be proud to hold hands and give occasional pecks on the cheek.

But do NOT, by ANY means think that it's okay to GIVE YOUR BOYFRIEND A BLOWJOB/FINGERBANG YOUR GIRLFRIEND ON THE SUBWAY. What, seriously?! I mean, making out in public is bad enough; no one likes huge amounts of PDA, especially if you're over the age of 17. But to totally have full-on sexual contact like that on a subway is absolutely gross. It's also really hard to NOT watch it (though if you're doing that you obviously enjoy voyeurism to a certain degree so I should be allowed to watch you).

Hey people that have almost-sex on the subway! YOU'RE ALL BIG JERKS!

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

People that walk up the "down" stairs during rush hour


You take the subway every day at rush hour! I totally understand how challenging and difficult to get somewhere while everyone else is trying to get somewhere - it really blows sometimes! If everyone worked together, things would go much more smoothly. But you don't care about how smooth things run, do you? You only care about yourself. You fucking idiot.

Listen, if you're going "up" and there is an "up" escalator and the only way "down" is on the stairs, take the frigging escalator. I can't believe how many stupid, ignorant, selfish idiots try going up the stairs when there is an escalator right beside them; hello, idiots? Yeah, you're making things harder for yourself as you're going AGAINST the flow of people trying to go down the stairs because they have no other option! I mean come ON! I take the stairs as often as possible, but in circumstances such as this, I do the right thing and walk up the escalators. It makes sense. It's logical and easier for me and everyone around me.

And while I'm at it, hey woman who has a HUGE purse and told me to 'STOP PUSHING [HER]' as I was walking down the stairs! Here's the thing: I wasn't pushing you. Your purse was huge and you slung it over your shoulder in such a fashion that as I was walking behind you my knee hit it. If you don't want people to hit your bag, get a smaller purse or carry it in front of you. You stupid bitch.

Hey people that walk up the "down" stairs during rush hour! YOU'RE ALL BIG JERKS!

Monday, August 17, 2009

My achy knee


You're part of my body! I never had a problem with you before; you weren't fat, weird, big or small. You were great! You never gave me problems and I even admired the small scar you've been carrying around for 11 years.

Now, you're being a total asshole. I can't bend you without hurting, I can't walk up stairs without feeling an ache, I can't do half the exercises I'm supposed to do because you decided that you don't want to work properly. What the hell?! I thought that doing exercises and losing weight was supposed to be GOOD for you! Instead, exercising has made you dumb. Really, really dumb.

Hey achy knee that has decided to crap out on me! YOU'RE A BIG JERK!

Friday, August 14, 2009

Old guy with a sense of entitlement


You're old! You've been around a long time, seen a lot, done a lot, had some's cool. I get it and I thank you for your contributions to society. I also think you're really cute sometimes, and look forward to being old and looking wrinkly and holding wrinkly hands and getting 10% off my coffee. The thing is, just because you're old doesn't mean you own the world and are entitled to whatever the hell you want. You have to wait in line like everyone else and you have to understand that there are other people on the face of the Earth that need services too!
THIS INCLUDES BUT IS NOT LIMITED TO: getting on a bus, ordering food, waiting to pick up a prescription at the pharmacy, parking spaces and grabbing a coffee. The next time I'm 15 minutes late for work because you decided to talk to the pharmacist about every single fucking item in the weekly flyer, I'm going to loose it and start pushing in front of you with an air of "my birth control is more important than your heart medication and the big Kleenex sale that's on until Saturday". Frig.

Hey old guy with a sense of entitlement! YOU'RE A BIG JERK!

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Suits that wait around for free meals


You make a lot of money each year! I mean, I can't say I'm 100% certain how much you make, but you work in an office building which means you're most likely making more than minimum wage. Why the hell do you feel the need to stand in the lobby of the office building for upwards of 35 minutes, blocking elevators and doors and probably violating fire-codes, to get a free hamburger?

I think it's really nice that the building is having a "free lunch bbq for tenants" day, but while you stand there in expensive suits and scarf down your free potato salad, there's a homeless guy on the corner trying to sell papers to make a buck who probably hasn't had a meal like that in years. And while we're at it, I know for a fact that the cleaning and maintenance crews in the building don't get ANY of the free food until later this afternoon when the mayo has gone bad and the meat has been picked out of the buns. Whatever is left after people pick through is what they get...and they STILL have to clean up after you. I don't know. I like free food as much as the next girl, but to see people with money freak out and wait around for a free burger just kind've pisses me off. And chances are you'll drive home in your BMW, complaining that they didn't give you enough food and refused your ask for seconds. How about instead of hosting a "lets feed the rich people" day, we think about hosting a "lets feed the poor people" day?

Hey suits that wait around for free meals while folks that need it more than you go hungry! YOU'RE ALL BIG JERKS!

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Guy that has a cigarette right before he gets in an elevator


You’re a smoker! You probably started when you were 14 years old and became instantly cool and admired, right? You didn’t care where you smoked and nobody said anything to you about it. The thing is, now you’re in your 20s/30s/40/s and not only is it not cool anymore, but you really should have learned some respect by now. You need to understand that when you smoke, you STINK. And when you have your last puff as you’re walking through the door of a building and head right into the elevator, you smell up EVERYTHING around you and no one can get a fucking breath in. If I get into an elevator, I like to be able to inhale at least once on my way up, and with you standing there, reeking of cigarettes and cheap perfume you spray over yourself to try and mask the smell that you’re obviously ashamed of but don’t care too much about, I can’t take a breath. You’re as bad as those 23 year old, greased-back hair, gold-chain wearing Axe bathers, only your smell is much more toxic.
Next time you decide to have a cigarette two feet away from a doorway (which, by the way, is really fucking rude and inconsiderate to people going in and out of the building), take an extra 30 seconds to stand outside and let the wind blow the stench off a little. It’s time to think about others.

Hey guy that has a cigarette right before he gets in an elevator! YOU’RE A BIG JERK!

Monday, August 10, 2009

People that wished for warmer weather


For me, this summer has been near-perfect; It hasn't rained too much (not compared to last year, at least) and the temperatures have been hovering around 23-25 degrees, often with a nice breeze. You, however, are not satisfied with this. "It's not summer weather at all!" you whine, still in your shorts and tank tops. "I wish it was warmer!" you complain while sipping a cold beer on a patio.

Well hey, idiots, your stupid prayers have been answered. It's hot. It's Humid. It's muggy. You're bitching.

What the fuck did you THINK was going to happen if it got hot out? This is Toronto, where it doesn't just get hot, it gets heavy and sticky out. In Melbourne, 35 degrees is sunny and nice and feels good on bare skin. In Toronto, 35 degrees is oppressive, cranky and makes your skin feel like it's made of Gak. I woke up sweating this morning, sweat throughout my breakfast and I'm pretty sure once I step out of my air conditioned office, I will start sweating again.

Hey people that wished for warmer weather! YOU'RE ALL BIG JERKS!

Friday, August 7, 2009

Guy that doesn't signal when he's passing me


You drive a small electric bike/scooter to work every day! Cool! I really think it's great that you're thinking about the environment (at least, I hope it's the environment you're thinking of...maybe you just want to look cool). You and I seem to bike along the same road at the same time every day, and there's just something that's getting on my nerves a little bit...
You never signal. Ever. No matter what you do, you never signal. You have fucking LIGHTS on the back of your bike and you never click them on if you're turning or changing a lane! You don't even need to lift one of your rather large, diamond ring encrusted arms, you just need to flick a switch.
The worst, though, the worst is when you decide to bike BESIDE me while you're slowly passing me, without so much as a bell or horn to say "Hey! I'm beside you!" Fucking idiot! There have been three separate occasions that I have almost run into you when I'm trying to get around a parked car because you feel it so fucking necessary to pass me even though we're going pretty much the same speed. USE A FUCKING BELL, you stupid piece of crap. And hey, PS - your bike isn't cool and you don't look cool riding it. It's not a scooter, it's not a motorcycle, it has pedals...and the fact that you coordinate your outfits and have huge, stupid diamonds dripping off you really makes you look like a douche.

Hey guy that doesn't signal when he's passing me! YOU'RE A BIG JERK!

Thursday, August 6, 2009

Lady in the locker room that bends over while not wearing any panties


We work out at the same time most days of the week and we tend to use the same locker bay! While I try to change politely, you get full-on naked then BEND OVER and start texting into your purse. This leaves your ass right up in my face! Lady, I'm glad that you can be comfortable with your body and all that, but bending over with no panties on means I get a full view of your fucking crack. I don't want to see it! Are you seriously that comfortable with your ass crack that you just want to show it off? C'mon man, this is a public room! I like boobs as much as the next guy, but there are some things that should only be between you and the one you love/are fucking. Have some respect for others in the space!

Hey lady in the locker room that bends over while not wearing any panties! YOU'RE A BIG JERK!

Wednesday, August 5, 2009

Crack-head that comes into my office and makes me fear for my life


I'm sitting at my desk, writing jokes or whatever I do during my day job and you walk in. You look grubby and weird, so I assume you're a courier. You start asking if I need help and then tell me that you want a credit card. Oh, you're not a courier, you're a crack-head. I politely tell you that I can't give you a credit card and that I don't think I can help you here. You proceed to STARE at me for THREE MINUTES while I politely ask you to leave. You tell me I'm beautiful. I say I'm flattered but you still need to leave. You get more aggressive, telling me that you want to open your own bank and you need a credit card to do so because you don't have any money. I try to explain the Canadian banking system to you. You don't understand. This whole time, I can't see your left hand. You then tell me that it's really quiet out here. I say "yes, everyone works in the back" and you say "that's perfect". My inner monologue spins into "oh my god, he has a gun and he is going to shoot me in this quiet reception area. Which co-worker will find me? Will they call my mom? I just got this new white sweater. Where can I possibly run to?" I push the panic button under my desk. I push it again. Again. I wait patiently.

I call the biggest, toughest co-worker I can think of and he comes out. He explains the Canadian banking system to you. You don't understand. You argue with him and he uses big words to confuse you. Finally you leave after 10 minutes. I call security and find out that 1) they were trying to catch you and 2) my panic button doesn't work.

Hey crack-head that comes into my office and makes me fear for my life! YOU'RE A BIG JERK!

Guys that kill dolphins in Taiji


I saw this movie last night and I think you were in it! "The Cove". You were the guy capturing and killing dolphins in Japan, right? And then you sold the mercury-laden dolphin meat to schools and made kids eat it for lunch? And you kill, like, 23,000 dolphins each year in your town alone? Porpoises too?! No way! And sometimes instead of killing them you sell them to places like MarineLand and Sea World and make them live in captivity for the rest of their lives? Wow man. Impressive.

Hey guys that kill dolphins in Taiji! YOU'RE ALL BIG JERKS!

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

Parent that has a stupid-big SUV stroller


You have a baby and it's totally awesome! I think babies are great - really, I do! They're cute, they make me laugh, they have soft skin...babies are pretty cool and I'm really happy for you. The thing is, though, that your baby probably doesn't need a huge-ass stroller to sleep, cry and crap in. Come on.

This thing spent nine months curled up inside your body. It sleeps in a crib that doesn't have a lot of fluff around it because it doesn't need fluff, and sometimes fluff can be dangerous. You throw it in a piece of fabric and sling it over your shoulder when you go for a walk. Why WHY, then, does your baby need a state-of-the-art, SUV-esque, more-pouches-than-you-can-handle stroller? Is it for you? So that you can throw shit in the stroller and eventually mess it up like the inside of your car? Is it because the baby needs to have every book, diaper and change of clothes it owns with it at all times? Because believe me, when you take a huge stroller out it gets in everyone's way; on the subway, on the streetcar, on the sidewalk, at a restaurant...everyone has to try and move out of your way because YOUR BABY IS COMING THROUGH. Watch your toes, people, the headlights are broken.

Listen, if you're going for some crazy 10-hour walk through the wilderness where you're sure that you won't encounter too many people, then cool. Take the big stroller. But if you're going to the mall, downtown, or through some touristy location where you know there will be 8000 other people there, take a smaller stroller that won't get in everyone's way. It's common sense and common courtesy.

Hey parent that has a stupid-big SUV stroller! YOU'RE A BIG JERK!