Hey!
You have a cellphone! I do too! OMG TWINS! Oh, there it goes! Oh. Uh, hey, excuse me. Excuse me, your phone is ringing. Loudly. Excuse…excuse me, your phone is…there ya go, you got it! Oh! No yeah, just go ahead and talk. Oh, um…no, no, it’s nothing, I just didn’t realize Lisa was such a slut. Oh. And she has some nasty rash? Wow. Okay cool. No, no, don’t worry about it. Oh. Oh so you met your biological father yesterday? Wow, that’s pretty intense. He…oh, so you don’t actually know he was your father because your mom slept with so many men? Oh. That’s…Isn’t this a conversation you should have at home? In private? No, no. Go ahead. Sorry to disturb you. Wait, you think your boyfriend is cheating on you? With Lisa? This is…should I not be listening? I’m…wow, okay.
Hey girl that talks loudly about personal matters on her cell phone! YOU’RE A BIG JERK!
Showing posts with label People. Show all posts
Showing posts with label People. Show all posts
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
Monday, September 21, 2009
Woman that does sudoku puzzles in the doorway of the subway!
Hey!
You're doing a sudoku on the subway. You're getting your brain moving and working early in the morning! Cool! Why, though, do you feel the need to lean against the partition in the doorways, stick your feet halfway into the middle of the entrance, and do your puzzle two feet away from your body? Are you dumb?
The best part, though, is that when I accidentally hit your paper as I was walking by you let out a sigh and gave me a look of disgust. Really? REALLY?! Well fuck you. If you want to do a puzzle on the subway and you're standing in the doorway, both you and your puzzle are going to get hit. And I'm not going to feel bad about it one bit because, quite frankly, you deserve it. You deserve to get hit and you deserve to have a shitty, pen-marked puzzle. You. Deserve. It.
Hey woman that does sudoku puzzles in the doorway of the subway! YOU'RE A BIG JERK!
You're doing a sudoku on the subway. You're getting your brain moving and working early in the morning! Cool! Why, though, do you feel the need to lean against the partition in the doorways, stick your feet halfway into the middle of the entrance, and do your puzzle two feet away from your body? Are you dumb?
The best part, though, is that when I accidentally hit your paper as I was walking by you let out a sigh and gave me a look of disgust. Really? REALLY?! Well fuck you. If you want to do a puzzle on the subway and you're standing in the doorway, both you and your puzzle are going to get hit. And I'm not going to feel bad about it one bit because, quite frankly, you deserve it. You deserve to get hit and you deserve to have a shitty, pen-marked puzzle. You. Deserve. It.
Hey woman that does sudoku puzzles in the doorway of the subway! YOU'RE A BIG JERK!
Thursday, September 10, 2009
Drycleaners.ca
Hey!
You run a dry cleaning service! In fact, your website is drycleaners.ca - a pretty coveted domain, I'm sure! Across your pages you boast "free pick-up and delivery" and "100% satisfaction guaranteed"...but when I called to ask about rates and delivery days, your representative quite rudely told me that you no longer offered pick-ups and if I would have tried to place an order, I would have found that out.
Okay, number one: I shouldn't have to try and place an order to find out you don't do pick-ups anymore. You should just take the false advertising off your website.
Number two: Tell your guy on the phone that he needs to be more polite. Seriously, he didn't even say hello and was a total asshole.
Number three: You fucking suck. Take that shit off your website and replace it with "if you want some dry cleaning we'll probably do it, but you have to come to our location in our sketchy Sherbourne neighbourhood to drop it off and pick it up. Hopefully we don't lose it."
100% satisfaction guarantee FAIL.
Hey drycleaners.ca! YOU'RE ALL BIG JERKS!
You run a dry cleaning service! In fact, your website is drycleaners.ca - a pretty coveted domain, I'm sure! Across your pages you boast "free pick-up and delivery" and "100% satisfaction guaranteed"...but when I called to ask about rates and delivery days, your representative quite rudely told me that you no longer offered pick-ups and if I would have tried to place an order, I would have found that out.
Okay, number one: I shouldn't have to try and place an order to find out you don't do pick-ups anymore. You should just take the false advertising off your website.
Number two: Tell your guy on the phone that he needs to be more polite. Seriously, he didn't even say hello and was a total asshole.
Number three: You fucking suck. Take that shit off your website and replace it with "if you want some dry cleaning we'll probably do it, but you have to come to our location in our sketchy Sherbourne neighbourhood to drop it off and pick it up. Hopefully we don't lose it."
100% satisfaction guarantee FAIL.
Hey drycleaners.ca! YOU'RE ALL BIG JERKS!
Thursday, September 3, 2009
Open-mouth gum chewers
Hey!
You're chewing gum! Cool! I guess you had bad breath, or wanted to freshen up your mouth or something...maybe you even just like the taste! Can I just ask one favour of you, though? Can you learn how to CLOSE YOUR MOUTH when you're chewing gum? It's not hard, I swear. You simply DON'T OPEN your mouth when the gum is in there.
I mean, come the fuck on. Do you eat with your mouth open? Are you a mouth-breather? I highly doubt it. The fact is, you're a six-foot-tall business man in a suit, so I'm guessing you have manners of some sort. Why, then, WHY do you chew gum with your mouth open? How have you not learned proper gum etiquette? You look and sound like cows chewing cud. My mom doesn't chew gum for this exact reason; she knows that she chews with her mouth open, so she just doesn't chew it in public. It's not that my mom is smarter than the average human, it's just that she has common sense and good manners. It's that simple.
The next person that chews gum in my ear when they're standing behind me in an elevator is going to get an elbow to the gut. I swear it.
Hey open-mouth gum chewers! YOU'RE ALL BIG JERKS!
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
People that have almost-sex on the subway
Hey!
You're in love! Or maybe you just really like the person you're with! I'm so happy for you and really pleased that you seem to have found someone so awesome. You should be proud to hold hands and give occasional pecks on the cheek.
But do NOT, by ANY means think that it's okay to GIVE YOUR BOYFRIEND A BLOWJOB/FINGERBANG YOUR GIRLFRIEND ON THE SUBWAY. What, seriously?! I mean, making out in public is bad enough; no one likes huge amounts of PDA, especially if you're over the age of 17. But to totally have full-on sexual contact like that on a subway is absolutely gross. It's also really hard to NOT watch it (though if you're doing that you obviously enjoy voyeurism to a certain degree so I should be allowed to watch you).
Hey people that have almost-sex on the subway! YOU'RE ALL BIG JERKS! 
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
People that walk up the "down" stairs during rush hour
Hey!
You take the subway every day at rush hour! I totally understand how challenging and difficult to get somewhere while everyone else is trying to get somewhere - it really blows sometimes! If everyone worked together, things would go much more smoothly. But you don't care about how smooth things run, do you? You only care about yourself. You fucking idiot.
Listen, if you're going "up" and there is an "up" escalator and the only way "down" is on the stairs, take the frigging escalator. I can't believe how many stupid, ignorant, selfish idiots try going up the stairs when there is an escalator right beside them; hello, idiots? Yeah, you're making things harder for yourself as you're going AGAINST the flow of people trying to go down the stairs because they have no other option! I mean come ON! I take the stairs as often as possible, but in circumstances such as this, I do the right thing and walk up the escalators. It makes sense. It's logical and easier for me and everyone around me.
And while I'm at it, hey woman who has a HUGE purse and told me to 'STOP PUSHING [HER]' as I was walking down the stairs! Here's the thing: I wasn't pushing you. Your purse was huge and you slung it over your shoulder in such a fashion that as I was walking behind you my knee hit it. If you don't want people to hit your bag, get a smaller purse or carry it in front of you. You stupid bitch.
Hey people that walk up the "down" stairs during rush hour! YOU'RE ALL BIG JERKS!
You take the subway every day at rush hour! I totally understand how challenging and difficult to get somewhere while everyone else is trying to get somewhere - it really blows sometimes! If everyone worked together, things would go much more smoothly. But you don't care about how smooth things run, do you? You only care about yourself. You fucking idiot.
Listen, if you're going "up" and there is an "up" escalator and the only way "down" is on the stairs, take the frigging escalator. I can't believe how many stupid, ignorant, selfish idiots try going up the stairs when there is an escalator right beside them; hello, idiots? Yeah, you're making things harder for yourself as you're going AGAINST the flow of people trying to go down the stairs because they have no other option! I mean come ON! I take the stairs as often as possible, but in circumstances such as this, I do the right thing and walk up the escalators. It makes sense. It's logical and easier for me and everyone around me.
And while I'm at it, hey woman who has a HUGE purse and told me to 'STOP PUSHING [HER]' as I was walking down the stairs! Here's the thing: I wasn't pushing you. Your purse was huge and you slung it over your shoulder in such a fashion that as I was walking behind you my knee hit it. If you don't want people to hit your bag, get a smaller purse or carry it in front of you. You stupid bitch.
Hey people that walk up the "down" stairs during rush hour! YOU'RE ALL BIG JERKS!
Friday, August 14, 2009
Old guy with a sense of entitlement
Hey!
You're old! You've been around a long time, seen a lot, done a lot, had some fun...it's cool. I get it and I thank you for your contributions to society. I also think you're really cute sometimes, and look forward to being old and looking wrinkly and holding wrinkly hands and getting 10% off my coffee. The thing is, just because you're old doesn't mean you own the world and are entitled to whatever the hell you want. You have to wait in line like everyone else and you have to understand that there are other people on the face of the Earth that need services too!
THIS INCLUDES BUT IS NOT LIMITED TO: getting on a bus, ordering food, waiting to pick up a prescription at the pharmacy, parking spaces and grabbing a coffee. The next time I'm 15 minutes late for work because you decided to talk to the pharmacist about every single fucking item in the weekly flyer, I'm going to loose it and start pushing in front of you with an air of "my birth control is more important than your heart medication and the big Kleenex sale that's on until Saturday". Frig.
Hey old guy with a sense of entitlement! YOU'RE A BIG JERK!
You're old! You've been around a long time, seen a lot, done a lot, had some fun...it's cool. I get it and I thank you for your contributions to society. I also think you're really cute sometimes, and look forward to being old and looking wrinkly and holding wrinkly hands and getting 10% off my coffee. The thing is, just because you're old doesn't mean you own the world and are entitled to whatever the hell you want. You have to wait in line like everyone else and you have to understand that there are other people on the face of the Earth that need services too!
THIS INCLUDES BUT IS NOT LIMITED TO: getting on a bus, ordering food, waiting to pick up a prescription at the pharmacy, parking spaces and grabbing a coffee. The next time I'm 15 minutes late for work because you decided to talk to the pharmacist about every single fucking item in the weekly flyer, I'm going to loose it and start pushing in front of you with an air of "my birth control is more important than your heart medication and the big Kleenex sale that's on until Saturday". Frig.
Hey old guy with a sense of entitlement! YOU'RE A BIG JERK!
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