Guy That Doesn't Use the Crosswalk

Hey!

Happy Monday, buddy! Looks like you just exited the subway and need to cross the street to get to your building. Ooh maybe you can use the huge crosswalk at the intersection! What, what? No? You’d rather just run out into the street? Oh.

Fuck you.

Not only is the crosswalk 20 feet away, but it’s a pedestrian scramble crosswalk, which means you have TWO TIMES the amount of time to cross the road. And think about it: we had like 14 pedestrian deaths in January alone. Fourteen!

I know you think that you’re big shit since you cross wherever you want to cross, but –newsflash- you’re not. Especially when you start crossing then look up from your Blackberry and see that cars in the other lane are coming faster than expected, so you have to turn around and run back to the safety of your sidewalk. Real smooth, dicksucker. In the amount of time you stood there waiting for a gap in traffic, you could have been at the crosswalk and crossing already.

Hey guy that doesn’t use the crosswalk! YOU’RE A BIG JERK!

Guy that runs for a train he can't see

Hey!

We entered the subway station at the same time. Twinsies! Looks like we're walking down the stairs at the same ti...oh no, wait a sec...you've decided to push past me and run down the stairs! What gives, newbestfriend? Oh, I see. You hear a train coming. And there is the *slight* chance it may be your train, so you have decided to run for it and shove me out of the way. You're an idiot for a few reasons:

1- You don't know if it's your train. You are standing at the top of the stairs, close to street level, and have absolutely no way of telling if the approaching train is yours or not. Not only do you have no way of knowing, but...

2- Even if it is your train, there is NO FRIGGING WAY you're going to make it! Are you kidding me? You're at street level and have to make it down one set of stairs, walk 20 feet to the other set of stairs, run down those to the platform and hop on the train. If the train is operating as it normally does, it's going to be at the platform for 10 seconds, max. You can't make this run in 10 seconds.

3- After you in all your "running like there's a madman with a gun at the turnstile" glory push past the 20 other people and you end up missing the train, and everyone that you shoved shows up to the platform, calm and collected, we all think to ourselves "man, what an idiot. Looks like I will be catching the exact same train as he will and I didn't run. Take note, stupid running guy. You're stupid for running." People judge you and then perform small victory dances in their minds, all the while chanting "I'm better than you, running guy!"

In short, don't run for the train unless you're 100% positive that it is indeed your train coming and that you'll make it. And if you do decide to run, don't shove people. One day someone won't be so nice and will purposely try and trip you down the stairs, making you not only miss your train, but also making you bloody.

Hey guy that runs for a train he can't see! YOU'RE A BIG JERK!

Girl that talks loudly on her cell phone

Hey!

You have a cellphone! I do too! OMG TWINS! Oh, there it goes! Oh. Uh, hey, excuse me. Excuse me, your phone is ringing. Loudly. Excuse…excuse me, your phone is…there ya go, you got it! Oh! No yeah, just go ahead and talk. Oh, um…no, no, it’s nothing, I just didn’t realize Lisa was such a slut. Oh. And she has some nasty rash? Wow. Okay cool. No, no, don’t worry about it. Oh. Oh so you met your biological father yesterday? Wow, that’s pretty intense. He…oh, so you don’t actually know he was your father because your mom slept with so many men? Oh. That’s…Isn’t this a conversation you should have at home? In private? No, no. Go ahead. Sorry to disturb you. Wait, you think your boyfriend is cheating on you? With Lisa? This is…should I not be listening? I’m…wow, okay.

Hey girl that talks loudly about personal matters on her cell phone! YOU’RE A BIG JERK!

Guy that parked his bike at Yonge and Bloor six months ago

Hey!

You biked to work about six months ago! Cool! Then you decided to leave your bike locked up there! For six months! Never EVER moving it!

Hey supreme asshole! FUCK YOU. You know, if you parked it in the middle of the rack and left it then I wouldn't really care so much (aside from the huge hassle it would be for people to park around you). But you decided to park on the outside of the rack -- the sweetest spot any cyclist can hope to grab, because you never need to worry about twisting yourself around other bikes to lock/unlock yours. You parked it there and left it. It has not moved in six months.
I mean, if you're dead or got hit on the head and can't remember anything then I'm really sorry and whatever...but if you're just a douche, then I hate you.

It blows my mind that this bike has been sitting at the corner of Yonge and Bloor for months now and hasn't been stolen. My roommates have had shittier bikes stolen from our backyard, but this thing sits there for months and the only time it's touched is when I shift it around to lock my bike up to it. Argh.

I mean, I guess it's not so bad because since everyone chooses to park in empty spots, I know I'll always get the spot right beside you and never have to worry about you coming out or parking a bigger bike there...but I really wish you'd move it, because it's seriously a douchey thing to do.

Hey guy that parked his bike at Yonge and Bloor six months ago! YOU'RE A BIG JERK!

(So hey, if anyone wants a free bike and can cut a u-style lock...it's the red and silver one right in front of the CIBC. Rusted chain, old flyers sticking around the frame, seat a little torn up...beside my rad blue and white one with the basket.)

People that walk up the "down" stairs during rush hour

Hey!

You take the subway every day at rush hour! I totally understand how challenging and difficult to get somewhere while everyone else is trying to get somewhere - it really blows sometimes! If everyone worked together, things would go much more smoothly. But you don't care about how smooth things run, do you? You only care about yourself. You fucking idiot.

Listen, if you're going "up" and there is an "up" escalator and the only way "down" is on the stairs, take the frigging escalator. I can't believe how many stupid, ignorant, selfish idiots try going up the stairs when there is an escalator right beside them; hello, idiots? Yeah, you're making things harder for yourself as you're going AGAINST the flow of people trying to go down the stairs because they have no other option! I mean come ON! I take the stairs as often as possible, but in circumstances such as this, I do the right thing and walk up the escalators. It makes sense. It's logical and easier for me and everyone around me.

And while I'm at it, hey woman who has a HUGE purse and told me to 'STOP PUSHING [HER]' as I was walking down the stairs! Here's the thing: I wasn't pushing you. Your purse was huge and you slung it over your shoulder in such a fashion that as I was walking behind you my knee hit it. If you don't want people to hit your bag, get a smaller purse or carry it in front of you. You stupid bitch.

Hey people that walk up the "down" stairs during rush hour! YOU'RE ALL BIG JERKS!

Suits that wait around for free meals

Hey!

You make a lot of money each year! I mean, I can't say I'm 100% certain how much you make, but you work in an office building which means you're most likely making more than minimum wage. Why the hell do you feel the need to stand in the lobby of the office building for upwards of 35 minutes, blocking elevators and doors and probably violating fire-codes, to get a free hamburger?

I think it's really nice that the building is having a "free lunch bbq for tenants" day, but while you stand there in expensive suits and scarf down your free potato salad, there's a homeless guy on the corner trying to sell papers to make a buck who probably hasn't had a meal like that in years. And while we're at it, I know for a fact that the cleaning and maintenance crews in the building don't get ANY of the free food until later this afternoon when the mayo has gone bad and the meat has been picked out of the buns. Whatever is left after people pick through is what they get...and they STILL have to clean up after you. I don't know. I like free food as much as the next girl, but to see people with money freak out and wait around for a free burger just kind've pisses me off. And chances are you'll drive home in your BMW, complaining that they didn't give you enough food and refused your ask for seconds. How about instead of hosting a "lets feed the rich people" day, we think about hosting a "lets feed the poor people" day?

Hey suits that wait around for free meals while folks that need it more than you go hungry! YOU'RE ALL BIG JERKS!

People that wished for warmer weather

Hey!

For me, this summer has been near-perfect; It hasn't rained too much (not compared to last year, at least) and the temperatures have been hovering around 23-25 degrees, often with a nice breeze. You, however, are not satisfied with this. "It's not summer weather at all!" you whine, still in your shorts and tank tops. "I wish it was warmer!" you complain while sipping a cold beer on a patio.

Well hey, idiots, your stupid prayers have been answered. It's hot. It's Humid. It's muggy. You're bitching.

What the fuck did you THINK was going to happen if it got hot out? This is Toronto, where it doesn't just get hot, it gets heavy and sticky out. In Melbourne, 35 degrees is sunny and nice and feels good on bare skin. In Toronto, 35 degrees is oppressive, cranky and makes your skin feel like it's made of Gak. I woke up sweating this morning, sweat throughout my breakfast and I'm pretty sure once I step out of my air conditioned office, I will start sweating again.

Hey people that wished for warmer weather! YOU'RE ALL BIG JERKS!