Guy that runs for a train he can't see

Hey!

We entered the subway station at the same time. Twinsies! Looks like we're walking down the stairs at the same ti...oh no, wait a sec...you've decided to push past me and run down the stairs! What gives, newbestfriend? Oh, I see. You hear a train coming. And there is the *slight* chance it may be your train, so you have decided to run for it and shove me out of the way. You're an idiot for a few reasons:

1- You don't know if it's your train. You are standing at the top of the stairs, close to street level, and have absolutely no way of telling if the approaching train is yours or not. Not only do you have no way of knowing, but...

2- Even if it is your train, there is NO FRIGGING WAY you're going to make it! Are you kidding me? You're at street level and have to make it down one set of stairs, walk 20 feet to the other set of stairs, run down those to the platform and hop on the train. If the train is operating as it normally does, it's going to be at the platform for 10 seconds, max. You can't make this run in 10 seconds.

3- After you in all your "running like there's a madman with a gun at the turnstile" glory push past the 20 other people and you end up missing the train, and everyone that you shoved shows up to the platform, calm and collected, we all think to ourselves "man, what an idiot. Looks like I will be catching the exact same train as he will and I didn't run. Take note, stupid running guy. You're stupid for running." People judge you and then perform small victory dances in their minds, all the while chanting "I'm better than you, running guy!"

In short, don't run for the train unless you're 100% positive that it is indeed your train coming and that you'll make it. And if you do decide to run, don't shove people. One day someone won't be so nice and will purposely try and trip you down the stairs, making you not only miss your train, but also making you bloody.

Hey guy that runs for a train he can't see! YOU'RE A BIG JERK!

Woman that does sudoku puzzles in the doorway of the subway!

Hey!

You're doing a sudoku on the subway. You're getting your brain moving and working early in the morning! Cool! Why, though, do you feel the need to lean against the partition in the doorways, stick your feet halfway into the middle of the entrance, and do your puzzle two feet away from your body? Are you dumb?
The best part, though, is that when I accidentally hit your paper as I was walking by you let out a sigh and gave me a look of disgust. Really? REALLY?! Well fuck you. If you want to do a puzzle on the subway and you're standing in the doorway, both you and your puzzle are going to get hit. And I'm not going to feel bad about it one bit because, quite frankly, you deserve it. You deserve to get hit and you deserve to have a shitty, pen-marked puzzle. You. Deserve. It.

Hey woman that does sudoku puzzles in the doorway of the subway! YOU'RE A BIG JERK!

People that have almost-sex on the subway

Hey!

You're in love! Or maybe you just really like the person you're with! I'm so happy for you and really pleased that you seem to have found someone so awesome. You should be proud to hold hands and give occasional pecks on the cheek.

But do NOT, by ANY means think that it's okay to GIVE YOUR BOYFRIEND A BLOWJOB/FINGERBANG YOUR GIRLFRIEND ON THE SUBWAY. What, seriously?! I mean, making out in public is bad enough; no one likes huge amounts of PDA, especially if you're over the age of 17. But to totally have full-on sexual contact like that on a subway is absolutely gross. It's also really hard to NOT watch it (though if you're doing that you obviously enjoy voyeurism to a certain degree so I should be allowed to watch you).

Hey people that have almost-sex on the subway! YOU'RE ALL BIG JERKS!

People that walk up the "down" stairs during rush hour

Hey!

You take the subway every day at rush hour! I totally understand how challenging and difficult to get somewhere while everyone else is trying to get somewhere - it really blows sometimes! If everyone worked together, things would go much more smoothly. But you don't care about how smooth things run, do you? You only care about yourself. You fucking idiot.

Listen, if you're going "up" and there is an "up" escalator and the only way "down" is on the stairs, take the frigging escalator. I can't believe how many stupid, ignorant, selfish idiots try going up the stairs when there is an escalator right beside them; hello, idiots? Yeah, you're making things harder for yourself as you're going AGAINST the flow of people trying to go down the stairs because they have no other option! I mean come ON! I take the stairs as often as possible, but in circumstances such as this, I do the right thing and walk up the escalators. It makes sense. It's logical and easier for me and everyone around me.

And while I'm at it, hey woman who has a HUGE purse and told me to 'STOP PUSHING [HER]' as I was walking down the stairs! Here's the thing: I wasn't pushing you. Your purse was huge and you slung it over your shoulder in such a fashion that as I was walking behind you my knee hit it. If you don't want people to hit your bag, get a smaller purse or carry it in front of you. You stupid bitch.

Hey people that walk up the "down" stairs during rush hour! YOU'RE ALL BIG JERKS!

Guy that stands in subway doors

Hey!

You're standing in the door of the subway! The train isn't crowded and there's a ton of room to move in, but you chose to stand right in the doorway! Do you move when the doors open? Nope! You just keep standing there, making everyone else move around you.

Hey guy that stands in subway doors! YOU'RE A BIG JERK!