Monday, July 12, 2010

Guy That Doesn't Use the Crosswalk

Hey!

Happy Monday, buddy! Looks like you just exited the subway and need to cross the street to get to your building. Ooh maybe you can use the huge crosswalk at the intersection! What, what? No? You’d rather just run out into the street? Oh.

Fuck you.

Not only is the crosswalk 20 feet away, but it’s a pedestrian scramble crosswalk, which means you have TWO TIMES the amount of time to cross the road. And think about it: we had like 14 pedestrian deaths in January alone. Fourteen!

I know you think that you’re big shit since you cross wherever you want to cross, but –newsflash- you’re not. Especially when you start crossing then look up from your Blackberry and see that cars in the other lane are coming faster than expected, so you have to turn around and run back to the safety of your sidewalk. Real smooth, dicksucker. In the amount of time you stood there waiting for a gap in traffic, you could have been at the crosswalk and crossing already.

Hey guy that doesn’t use the crosswalk! YOU’RE A BIG JERK!

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Chatty Cathy who likes to engage in conversation at 8:30am

Hey!

It's 8:30 in the morning! OMG we're both here at 8:30 in the morning! How cool is that right?! You're so happy and perky and you want to talk to me about your kids? Oh WOW COOL! I can't wait to hear another story about how Jimmy had hockey practice! Can we hold off for a minute though? I haven't had my coffee yet and your shrill perky voice is hitting me like needles in my brain.

Here's the thing: you're a 10am person. You're a person I don't want to deal with until 10am because you drive me absolutely insane before I'm fully awake. I feel towards you the way I feel towards an alarm clock; I want to slap you and shut you up because the noises you make fill me with rage and a sense of dread.

I'm a total morning person, but it still doesn't mean that I don't want to make small talk with you before I've had my coffee. Give me some time. Half an hour or so to let the beans do their work and let the sweat dry off my neck from my bike ride in.

And it blows my mind that you don't get it! I make polite grunts but that's about it. I'm pretty sure I've said "oh ha ha I haven't had my coffee yet so I'm not really all there ha ha" and you've just kept going on. Just shut up. Just please shut up and realize that some of us haven't been Go-Training for the past two hours and some of us just want 30 minutes to drink coffee and reply to emails. Please. Come back later.

Hey Chatty Cathy who likes to engage in conversation at 8:30am! YOU'RE A BIG JERK!

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Stupid Asshole Idiot

Hey!

Yo man, how've you been? We went on three dates almost two years ago! Time flies, eh?

Remember how it ended? I told you I wasn't really interested and didn't see a future, and you gave me the silent treatment for three days, and called me a slut and a bitch! Then when I deleted you off Facebook and you totally flipped out, calling me bad names (again) and saying something akin to "good riddance, bitch. I hope your life sucks." In fact, those may have been the EXACT WORDS! Oh man, how time flies.

Then, months later, you try to contact me again. I ignore you because you called me a slutbitch, and you flip out again! More names are spat in my face while I patiently bite my tongue and don't respond

And THEN, a whole year later, you send me a message! You ask me out for coffee. I politely decline and you delete me again.

Oh goodness how time flies! Six months later, you send me another message! You ask me out for coffee again. I politely decline, this time telling you that I don't really want any relationship with you, friendship or other. My message is polite, civil, and even apologetic. You call me an ice cold bitch. I tell you that I'm blocking you and apologize for being rude. I tell you that I hope you have a great summer and have a smooth move out of your parents home. You proceed to send me an email with the phrase "good riddance".

HERE'S THE THING, YOU STUPID LITTLE DICK STUPID COCKSUCKER ASSHOLE FUCKER:

I am being nice to you! You called me a slutbitch! You made me feel bad! We went on THREE DATES. Where many women would have told you to screw off and blocked you immediately after you called them names, I left you with access to my Facebook (which, in writing this down seems petty and silly, but This Day In Age really *does* mean something). Sure, I left you with access mostly out of pity, but I never led you astray, always telling you what I thought in a polite way, and always saying I was sorry that I just didn't want to meet up. I told you that based on what you've showed me in the past, I can pretty much figure out how you'll react in the future and I really didn't need that sort of drama in my life.

AND HEY, GUESS WHAT HAPPENED! YOU REACTED EXACTLY AS I SAID YOU WOULD! You went from hot to cold within two seconds and called me more names!

It is taking EVERY.SINGLE.BONE.IN.MY.BODY. not to respond to your email with some kind of song. A video clip, even. A song that goes something like "la la la, I told you you'd act like this/ la la la I was totally right / la la la I'm sorry I'm not in love with you / la la la I told you so I told you so I told you so..." and so on. My fingers are poised over the keys, simply aching with the want to be petty, mean, rude, bitchy and absolutely childish to you. I want to hurt you. I want to tease you. I want to kick your ass cyberly.

But I won't. Because I'm trying to be a nice person. A nice slutbitch. We *do* exist.

So hey stupid asshole idiot that calls me names yet begs me to go out with him! YOU ARE SERIOUSLY A HUGE JERK. FUCK OFF PLEASE.

Friday, January 8, 2010

Guy that runs for a train he can't see

Hey!

We entered the subway station at the same time. Twinsies! Looks like we're walking down the stairs at the same ti...oh no, wait a sec...you've decided to push past me and run down the stairs! What gives, newbestfriend? Oh, I see. You hear a train coming. And there is the *slight* chance it may be your train, so you have decided to run for it and shove me out of the way. You're an idiot for a few reasons:

1- You don't know if it's your train. You are standing at the top of the stairs, close to street level, and have absolutely no way of telling if the approaching train is yours or not. Not only do you have no way of knowing, but...

2- Even if it is your train, there is NO FRIGGING WAY you're going to make it! Are you kidding me? You're at street level and have to make it down one set of stairs, walk 20 feet to the other set of stairs, run down those to the platform and hop on the train. If the train is operating as it normally does, it's going to be at the platform for 10 seconds, max. You can't make this run in 10 seconds.

3- After you in all your "running like there's a madman with a gun at the turnstile" glory push past the 20 other people and you end up missing the train, and everyone that you shoved shows up to the platform, calm and collected, we all think to ourselves "man, what an idiot. Looks like I will be catching the exact same train as he will and I didn't run. Take note, stupid running guy. You're stupid for running." People judge you and then perform small victory dances in their minds, all the while chanting "I'm better than you, running guy!"

In short, don't run for the train unless you're 100% positive that it is indeed your train coming and that you'll make it. And if you do decide to run, don't shove people. One day someone won't be so nice and will purposely try and trip you down the stairs, making you not only miss your train, but also making you bloody.

Hey guy that runs for a train he can't see! YOU'RE A BIG JERK!

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

Idiots that just stop in the middle of wherever the hell they are

Hey!

Oh uh...excus...get out of...get out of the way.

Get out of the way.

Get out of the way!
GET OUT OF THE WAY!
GET OUT OF THE WAY GET OUT OF THE WAY GET OUT OF THE WAY!

ARE YOU KIDDING ME? YOU JUST EXITED A BUILDING/GOT OFF AN ESCALATOR/ARE IN A DOORWAY! GET OUT OF THE WAY! WHY ARE YOU STOPPING IN THE MIDDLE OF THE SIDEWALK/SUBWAY PLATFORM/LOBBY? WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM? IT IS RUSH HOUR IN TORONTO. THERE ARE PEOPLE BEHIND YOU.

YOU ARE NOT THE ONLY PERSON IN THE WORLD! GET OUT OF THE WAY!

Hey idiots that just stop in the middle of wherever the hell they are. YOU'RE ALL BIG JERKS!