Guy that parked his bike at Yonge and Bloor six months ago

Hey!

You biked to work about six months ago! Cool! Then you decided to leave your bike locked up there! For six months! Never EVER moving it!

Hey supreme asshole! FUCK YOU. You know, if you parked it in the middle of the rack and left it then I wouldn't really care so much (aside from the huge hassle it would be for people to park around you). But you decided to park on the outside of the rack -- the sweetest spot any cyclist can hope to grab, because you never need to worry about twisting yourself around other bikes to lock/unlock yours. You parked it there and left it. It has not moved in six months.
I mean, if you're dead or got hit on the head and can't remember anything then I'm really sorry and whatever...but if you're just a douche, then I hate you.

It blows my mind that this bike has been sitting at the corner of Yonge and Bloor for months now and hasn't been stolen. My roommates have had shittier bikes stolen from our backyard, but this thing sits there for months and the only time it's touched is when I shift it around to lock my bike up to it. Argh.

I mean, I guess it's not so bad because since everyone chooses to park in empty spots, I know I'll always get the spot right beside you and never have to worry about you coming out or parking a bigger bike there...but I really wish you'd move it, because it's seriously a douchey thing to do.

Hey guy that parked his bike at Yonge and Bloor six months ago! YOU'RE A BIG JERK!

(So hey, if anyone wants a free bike and can cut a u-style lock...it's the red and silver one right in front of the CIBC. Rusted chain, old flyers sticking around the frame, seat a little torn up...beside my rad blue and white one with the basket.)

Guy that wears so much cologne I can smell him when he’s in his car

Hey!

You drive a car! Cool! You like to groom! Cool! You blast totally dope gino beats out of your car! Okay, whatever floats your boat!

Here’s the thing: when I pull my bike up beside your car and I can smell your cologne from the other side of the car, you are very uncool. Infact, you’re pretty stupid. If you wear so much cologne that I can smell you above truck exhaust, construction dust and that gross “Toronto” smell that we sometimes get, you are wearing too much cologne. I mean, I understand that your windows are open so maybe that’s why the smell was right in my face (I’d smell smoke or McDonald’s too, I’m sure), but when I can hardly take a breath in for fear of getting a headache, it’s gone too far. I feel sorry for any passenger that has to ride with you; they must really have a hard time breathing. Seriously, lay off the Axe. Your stench diameter is remarkably wide.

Hey guy that wears so much cologne I can smell him when he’s in his car! YOU’RE A BIG JERK!

(source)

Guy that doesn't signal when he's passing me

Hey!

You drive a small electric bike/scooter to work every day! Cool! I really think it's great that you're thinking about the environment (at least, I hope it's the environment you're thinking of...maybe you just want to look cool). You and I seem to bike along the same road at the same time every day, and there's just something that's getting on my nerves a little bit...
You never signal. Ever. No matter what you do, you never signal. You have fucking LIGHTS on the back of your bike and you never click them on if you're turning or changing a lane! You don't even need to lift one of your rather large, diamond ring encrusted arms, you just need to flick a switch.
The worst, though, the worst is when you decide to bike BESIDE me while you're slowly passing me, without so much as a bell or horn to say "Hey! I'm beside you!" Fucking idiot! There have been three separate occasions that I have almost run into you when I'm trying to get around a parked car because you feel it so fucking necessary to pass me even though we're going pretty much the same speed. USE A FUCKING BELL, you stupid piece of crap. And hey, PS - your bike isn't cool and you don't look cool riding it. It's not a scooter, it's not a motorcycle, it has pedals...and the fact that you coordinate your outfits and have huge, stupid diamonds dripping off you really makes you look like a douche.

Hey guy that doesn't signal when he's passing me! YOU'RE A BIG JERK!