Hey!
Happy Monday, buddy! Looks like you just exited the subway and need to cross the street to get to your building. Ooh maybe you can use the huge crosswalk at the intersection! What, what? No? You’d rather just run out into the street? Oh.
Fuck you.
Not only is the crosswalk 20 feet away, but it’s a pedestrian scramble crosswalk, which means you have TWO TIMES the amount of time to cross the road. And think about it: we had like 14 pedestrian deaths in January alone. Fourteen!
I know you think that you’re big shit since you cross wherever you want to cross, but –newsflash- you’re not. Especially when you start crossing then look up from your Blackberry and see that cars in the other lane are coming faster than expected, so you have to turn around and run back to the safety of your sidewalk. Real smooth, dicksucker. In the amount of time you stood there waiting for a gap in traffic, you could have been at the crosswalk and crossing already.
Hey guy that doesn’t use the crosswalk! YOU’RE A BIG JERK!
Showing posts with label Stupid. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Stupid. Show all posts
Monday, July 12, 2010
Friday, January 8, 2010
Guy that runs for a train he can't see
Hey!
We entered the subway station at the same time. Twinsies! Looks like we're walking down the stairs at the same ti...oh no, wait a sec...you've decided to push past me and run down the stairs! What gives, newbestfriend? Oh, I see. You hear a train coming. And there is the *slight* chance it may be your train, so you have decided to run for it and shove me out of the way. You're an idiot for a few reasons:
1- You don't know if it's your train. You are standing at the top of the stairs, close to street level, and have absolutely no way of telling if the approaching train is yours or not. Not only do you have no way of knowing, but...
2- Even if it is your train, there is NO FRIGGING WAY you're going to make it! Are you kidding me? You're at street level and have to make it down one set of stairs, walk 20 feet to the other set of stairs, run down those to the platform and hop on the train. If the train is operating as it normally does, it's going to be at the platform for 10 seconds, max. You can't make this run in 10 seconds.
3- After you in all your "running like there's a madman with a gun at the turnstile" glory push past the 20 other people and you end up missing the train, and everyone that you shoved shows up to the platform, calm and collected, we all think to ourselves "man, what an idiot. Looks like I will be catching the exact same train as he will and I didn't run. Take note, stupid running guy. You're stupid for running." People judge you and then perform small victory dances in their minds, all the while chanting "I'm better than you, running guy!"
In short, don't run for the train unless you're 100% positive that it is indeed your train coming and that you'll make it. And if you do decide to run, don't shove people. One day someone won't be so nice and will purposely try and trip you down the stairs, making you not only miss your train, but also making you bloody.
Hey guy that runs for a train he can't see! YOU'RE A BIG JERK!
We entered the subway station at the same time. Twinsies! Looks like we're walking down the stairs at the same ti...oh no, wait a sec...you've decided to push past me and run down the stairs! What gives, newbestfriend? Oh, I see. You hear a train coming. And there is the *slight* chance it may be your train, so you have decided to run for it and shove me out of the way. You're an idiot for a few reasons:
1- You don't know if it's your train. You are standing at the top of the stairs, close to street level, and have absolutely no way of telling if the approaching train is yours or not. Not only do you have no way of knowing, but...
2- Even if it is your train, there is NO FRIGGING WAY you're going to make it! Are you kidding me? You're at street level and have to make it down one set of stairs, walk 20 feet to the other set of stairs, run down those to the platform and hop on the train. If the train is operating as it normally does, it's going to be at the platform for 10 seconds, max. You can't make this run in 10 seconds.
3- After you in all your "running like there's a madman with a gun at the turnstile" glory push past the 20 other people and you end up missing the train, and everyone that you shoved shows up to the platform, calm and collected, we all think to ourselves "man, what an idiot. Looks like I will be catching the exact same train as he will and I didn't run. Take note, stupid running guy. You're stupid for running." People judge you and then perform small victory dances in their minds, all the while chanting "I'm better than you, running guy!"
In short, don't run for the train unless you're 100% positive that it is indeed your train coming and that you'll make it. And if you do decide to run, don't shove people. One day someone won't be so nice and will purposely try and trip you down the stairs, making you not only miss your train, but also making you bloody.
Hey guy that runs for a train he can't see! YOU'RE A BIG JERK!
Friday, November 13, 2009
Women that jaywalk on busy roads with their strollers
Hey!
You have a baby. Awesome! Congratulations. I love seeing you smile at your baby as you're taking him/her for a walk.
You know what I hate, though? When you decide to jaywalk with your baby. On a busy street. Pushing the stroller in front of you like some kind of four-wheeled stop sign, signalling to drivers "I AM WALKING ACROSS THE ROAD HERE AND I HAVE A BABY. YOU WOULDN'T HIT A BABY, WOULD YOU?"
Who the fuck do you think you are?! I would never jaywalk a busy street with a baby, and I have nowhere near the maternal instinct I should, as a 25 year old woman, have. On a quiet residential street, sure. Go nuts. Push the stroller into the road and see how far it goes, I don't care. But in the middle of Bloor street? Are you kidding me?
You can't account for the "What If" factor when you're jaywalking with your baby. What if the wheel gets caught in a streetcar track and you can't get it out in time? What if the driver down the road is going faster than you first thought? What if there is a hidden intersection and someone comes whipping down the alley into the road? What if someone doesn't see you? What if the other light has an advanced green and that's the reason your walk-light hasn't changed?
Can you really risk the lives of you and your baby just because you were too dumb to walk the extra 20 feet down the road and cross at the light, or too impatient to wait for your walk signal? People would die for their kids every day, but I don't think stupidity is what they're talking about.
Hey women that jaywalk on busy roads with their strollers! YOU'RE ALL BIG JERKS!
You have a baby. Awesome! Congratulations. I love seeing you smile at your baby as you're taking him/her for a walk.
You know what I hate, though? When you decide to jaywalk with your baby. On a busy street. Pushing the stroller in front of you like some kind of four-wheeled stop sign, signalling to drivers "I AM WALKING ACROSS THE ROAD HERE AND I HAVE A BABY. YOU WOULDN'T HIT A BABY, WOULD YOU?"
Who the fuck do you think you are?! I would never jaywalk a busy street with a baby, and I have nowhere near the maternal instinct I should, as a 25 year old woman, have. On a quiet residential street, sure. Go nuts. Push the stroller into the road and see how far it goes, I don't care. But in the middle of Bloor street? Are you kidding me?
You can't account for the "What If" factor when you're jaywalking with your baby. What if the wheel gets caught in a streetcar track and you can't get it out in time? What if the driver down the road is going faster than you first thought? What if there is a hidden intersection and someone comes whipping down the alley into the road? What if someone doesn't see you? What if the other light has an advanced green and that's the reason your walk-light hasn't changed?
Can you really risk the lives of you and your baby just because you were too dumb to walk the extra 20 feet down the road and cross at the light, or too impatient to wait for your walk signal? People would die for their kids every day, but I don't think stupidity is what they're talking about.
Hey women that jaywalk on busy roads with their strollers! YOU'RE ALL BIG JERKS!
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
People that don't put their dirty dishes in the dishwasher
Hey!
FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, PUT YOUR FUCKING DISHES IN THE DISHWASHER! IT'S RIGHT THERE! IT'S RIGHT BESIDE THE SINK! YOU ARE ADULTS AND YOU WORK AT A HUGE, IMPORTANT, INTERNATIONAL COMPANY. YOU OWN HOUSES, HAVE FAMILIES AND DRIVE CARS. HOW DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND WHAT IT MEANS TO PUT YOUR DIRTY CUP IN THE FUCKING DISHWASHER?! WHAT THE HELL?
Hey people that don't put their dirty dishes in the dishwasher! YOU'RE ALL BIG JERKS!
FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, PUT YOUR FUCKING DISHES IN THE DISHWASHER! IT'S RIGHT THERE! IT'S RIGHT BESIDE THE SINK! YOU ARE ADULTS AND YOU WORK AT A HUGE, IMPORTANT, INTERNATIONAL COMPANY. YOU OWN HOUSES, HAVE FAMILIES AND DRIVE CARS. HOW DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND WHAT IT MEANS TO PUT YOUR DIRTY CUP IN THE FUCKING DISHWASHER?! WHAT THE HELL?
Hey people that don't put their dirty dishes in the dishwasher! YOU'RE ALL BIG JERKS!
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
Girl that talks loudly on her cell phone
Hey!
You have a cellphone! I do too! OMG TWINS! Oh, there it goes! Oh. Uh, hey, excuse me. Excuse me, your phone is ringing. Loudly. Excuse…excuse me, your phone is…there ya go, you got it! Oh! No yeah, just go ahead and talk. Oh, um…no, no, it’s nothing, I just didn’t realize Lisa was such a slut. Oh. And she has some nasty rash? Wow. Okay cool. No, no, don’t worry about it. Oh. Oh so you met your biological father yesterday? Wow, that’s pretty intense. He…oh, so you don’t actually know he was your father because your mom slept with so many men? Oh. That’s…Isn’t this a conversation you should have at home? In private? No, no. Go ahead. Sorry to disturb you. Wait, you think your boyfriend is cheating on you? With Lisa? This is…should I not be listening? I’m…wow, okay.
Hey girl that talks loudly about personal matters on her cell phone! YOU’RE A BIG JERK!
You have a cellphone! I do too! OMG TWINS! Oh, there it goes! Oh. Uh, hey, excuse me. Excuse me, your phone is ringing. Loudly. Excuse…excuse me, your phone is…there ya go, you got it! Oh! No yeah, just go ahead and talk. Oh, um…no, no, it’s nothing, I just didn’t realize Lisa was such a slut. Oh. And she has some nasty rash? Wow. Okay cool. No, no, don’t worry about it. Oh. Oh so you met your biological father yesterday? Wow, that’s pretty intense. He…oh, so you don’t actually know he was your father because your mom slept with so many men? Oh. That’s…Isn’t this a conversation you should have at home? In private? No, no. Go ahead. Sorry to disturb you. Wait, you think your boyfriend is cheating on you? With Lisa? This is…should I not be listening? I’m…wow, okay.
Hey girl that talks loudly about personal matters on her cell phone! YOU’RE A BIG JERK!
Thursday, September 24, 2009
Guy that doesn’t cover his mouth when he coughs!
Hey!
You have a cold. It sucks, I know. I almost feel a tickle in my throat as well. No one likes being sick; it makes you achy, stuffy and makes you do loud things in public like sneezing and coughing. Which reminds me, dear stranger, about this little thing you just did as you were standing beside me. You coughed. You coughed and you sniffled and you coughed again…AND YOU DIDN’T COVER YOUR MOUTH WHEN YOU COUGHED.
You are disgusting! I mean, I’m the kind’ve person that thinks those Government ads you see on tv and subway cars that tell you to cover your mouth when you cough/sneeze and wash your hands are dumb. Who doesn’t know how to wash their hands? Who doesn’t know that you’re supposed to cover your mouth when you cough?
Oh, apparently you don’t. Those ads are targeted at you, dumbass. Start paying attention. I don’t want your cold and it’s really fucking rude to cough with your mouth open. If you’re at home, go nuts. Go fucking nuts. Cough in your dog’s face for all I care. But when you’re in public, cover your mouth. Fuck, you disgust me.
Hey guy that doesn’t cover his mouth when he coughs! YOU’RE A BIG JERK!
You have a cold. It sucks, I know. I almost feel a tickle in my throat as well. No one likes being sick; it makes you achy, stuffy and makes you do loud things in public like sneezing and coughing. Which reminds me, dear stranger, about this little thing you just did as you were standing beside me. You coughed. You coughed and you sniffled and you coughed again…AND YOU DIDN’T COVER YOUR MOUTH WHEN YOU COUGHED.
You are disgusting! I mean, I’m the kind’ve person that thinks those Government ads you see on tv and subway cars that tell you to cover your mouth when you cough/sneeze and wash your hands are dumb. Who doesn’t know how to wash their hands? Who doesn’t know that you’re supposed to cover your mouth when you cough?
Oh, apparently you don’t. Those ads are targeted at you, dumbass. Start paying attention. I don’t want your cold and it’s really fucking rude to cough with your mouth open. If you’re at home, go nuts. Go fucking nuts. Cough in your dog’s face for all I care. But when you’re in public, cover your mouth. Fuck, you disgust me.
Hey guy that doesn’t cover his mouth when he coughs! YOU’RE A BIG JERK!
Monday, September 21, 2009
Woman that does sudoku puzzles in the doorway of the subway!
Hey!
You're doing a sudoku on the subway. You're getting your brain moving and working early in the morning! Cool! Why, though, do you feel the need to lean against the partition in the doorways, stick your feet halfway into the middle of the entrance, and do your puzzle two feet away from your body? Are you dumb?
The best part, though, is that when I accidentally hit your paper as I was walking by you let out a sigh and gave me a look of disgust. Really? REALLY?! Well fuck you. If you want to do a puzzle on the subway and you're standing in the doorway, both you and your puzzle are going to get hit. And I'm not going to feel bad about it one bit because, quite frankly, you deserve it. You deserve to get hit and you deserve to have a shitty, pen-marked puzzle. You. Deserve. It.
Hey woman that does sudoku puzzles in the doorway of the subway! YOU'RE A BIG JERK!
You're doing a sudoku on the subway. You're getting your brain moving and working early in the morning! Cool! Why, though, do you feel the need to lean against the partition in the doorways, stick your feet halfway into the middle of the entrance, and do your puzzle two feet away from your body? Are you dumb?
The best part, though, is that when I accidentally hit your paper as I was walking by you let out a sigh and gave me a look of disgust. Really? REALLY?! Well fuck you. If you want to do a puzzle on the subway and you're standing in the doorway, both you and your puzzle are going to get hit. And I'm not going to feel bad about it one bit because, quite frankly, you deserve it. You deserve to get hit and you deserve to have a shitty, pen-marked puzzle. You. Deserve. It.
Hey woman that does sudoku puzzles in the doorway of the subway! YOU'RE A BIG JERK!
Thursday, September 10, 2009
Drycleaners.ca
Hey!
You run a dry cleaning service! In fact, your website is drycleaners.ca - a pretty coveted domain, I'm sure! Across your pages you boast "free pick-up and delivery" and "100% satisfaction guaranteed"...but when I called to ask about rates and delivery days, your representative quite rudely told me that you no longer offered pick-ups and if I would have tried to place an order, I would have found that out.
Okay, number one: I shouldn't have to try and place an order to find out you don't do pick-ups anymore. You should just take the false advertising off your website.
Number two: Tell your guy on the phone that he needs to be more polite. Seriously, he didn't even say hello and was a total asshole.
Number three: You fucking suck. Take that shit off your website and replace it with "if you want some dry cleaning we'll probably do it, but you have to come to our location in our sketchy Sherbourne neighbourhood to drop it off and pick it up. Hopefully we don't lose it."
100% satisfaction guarantee FAIL.
Hey drycleaners.ca! YOU'RE ALL BIG JERKS!
You run a dry cleaning service! In fact, your website is drycleaners.ca - a pretty coveted domain, I'm sure! Across your pages you boast "free pick-up and delivery" and "100% satisfaction guaranteed"...but when I called to ask about rates and delivery days, your representative quite rudely told me that you no longer offered pick-ups and if I would have tried to place an order, I would have found that out.
Okay, number one: I shouldn't have to try and place an order to find out you don't do pick-ups anymore. You should just take the false advertising off your website.
Number two: Tell your guy on the phone that he needs to be more polite. Seriously, he didn't even say hello and was a total asshole.
Number three: You fucking suck. Take that shit off your website and replace it with "if you want some dry cleaning we'll probably do it, but you have to come to our location in our sketchy Sherbourne neighbourhood to drop it off and pick it up. Hopefully we don't lose it."
100% satisfaction guarantee FAIL.
Hey drycleaners.ca! YOU'RE ALL BIG JERKS!
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
Puzzle that really isn't a puzzle
Hey!
You're a favourite puzzle in my "Puzzle a Day" calendar. I love the challenge of having to turn the word "Frown" into "Smile" in just 8 steps and really enjoy doing these little ladders. The thing is, it's really not much of a challenge when you give me five of the eight steps. I mean, this is a frigging PUZZLE. It's supposed to challenge me! And when you put:
Frown
Flown
Flows
Slows
x
x
x
Suite
Smite
Smile
IT'S NOT MUCH OF A CHALLENGE! I probably could have figured out those other steps myself and would have enjoyed the mental workout. I didn't get this calendar to just have it sit on my desk and have something to look at...I got it so I could work my brain a bit every day. You giving me the answers doesn't really do much and doesn't really live up to the word "puzzle". I'm not dumb. Frig.
Hey puzzle that really isn't a puzzle! YOU'RE A BIG JERK!
You're a favourite puzzle in my "Puzzle a Day" calendar. I love the challenge of having to turn the word "Frown" into "Smile" in just 8 steps and really enjoy doing these little ladders. The thing is, it's really not much of a challenge when you give me five of the eight steps. I mean, this is a frigging PUZZLE. It's supposed to challenge me! And when you put:
Frown
Flown
Flows
Slows
x
x
x
Suite
Smite
Smile
IT'S NOT MUCH OF A CHALLENGE! I probably could have figured out those other steps myself and would have enjoyed the mental workout. I didn't get this calendar to just have it sit on my desk and have something to look at...I got it so I could work my brain a bit every day. You giving me the answers doesn't really do much and doesn't really live up to the word "puzzle". I'm not dumb. Frig.
Hey puzzle that really isn't a puzzle! YOU'RE A BIG JERK!
Thursday, August 27, 2009
Guy that doesn't clear the microwave timer
Hey!
You use the microwave to heat things up! You like to stop it before it beeps! Maybe you decided it was hot enough, maybe you just didn't want to wait that last 37 seconds...it's cool, I get it. But WHY do you not take the extra step and push the "Clear" button when you take your shit out?! Seriously? Seriously. You're one of those people that just leaves the remaining 37 seconds on the clock, so the next person that wants to use the microwave or check the time has to clear your shit first. You probably leave cupboard doors open and crumbs in the butter, too.
Hey guy that doesn't clear the microwave timer when he takes his things out early! YOU'RE A BIG JERK!
You use the microwave to heat things up! You like to stop it before it beeps! Maybe you decided it was hot enough, maybe you just didn't want to wait that last 37 seconds...it's cool, I get it. But WHY do you not take the extra step and push the "Clear" button when you take your shit out?! Seriously? Seriously. You're one of those people that just leaves the remaining 37 seconds on the clock, so the next person that wants to use the microwave or check the time has to clear your shit first. You probably leave cupboard doors open and crumbs in the butter, too.
Hey guy that doesn't clear the microwave timer when he takes his things out early! YOU'RE A BIG JERK!
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
Guy that wears so much cologne I can smell him when he’s in his car
Hey!
You drive a car! Cool! You like to groom! Cool! You blast totally dope gino beats out of your car! Okay, whatever floats your boat!
Here’s the thing: when I pull my bike up beside your car and I can smell your cologne from the other side of the car, you are very uncool. Infact, you’re pretty stupid. If you wear so much cologne that I can smell you above truck exhaust, construction dust and that gross “Toronto” smell that we sometimes get, you are wearing too much cologne. I mean, I understand that your windows are open so maybe that’s why the smell was right in my face (I’d smell smoke or McDonald’s too, I’m sure), but when I can hardly take a breath in for fear of getting a headache, it’s gone too far. I feel sorry for any passenger that has to ride with you; they must really have a hard time breathing. Seriously, lay off the Axe. Your stench diameter is remarkably wide.
Hey guy that wears so much cologne I can smell him when he’s in his car! YOU’RE A BIG JERK!
Here’s the thing: when I pull my bike up beside your car and I can smell your cologne from the other side of the car, you are very uncool. Infact, you’re pretty stupid. If you wear so much cologne that I can smell you above truck exhaust, construction dust and that gross “Toronto” smell that we sometimes get, you are wearing too much cologne. I mean, I understand that your windows are open so maybe that’s why the smell was right in my face (I’d smell smoke or McDonald’s too, I’m sure), but when I can hardly take a breath in for fear of getting a headache, it’s gone too far. I feel sorry for any passenger that has to ride with you; they must really have a hard time breathing. Seriously, lay off the Axe. Your stench diameter is remarkably wide.
Hey guy that wears so much cologne I can smell him when he’s in his car! YOU’RE A BIG JERK!
(source)
Friday, August 21, 2009
Hangover
Hey!
It's 11:38am and you're still here. Please fuck off.
.
.
.
I am a stupid, stupid girl.
Hey hangover! YOU'RE A BIG JERK!
It's 11:38am and you're still here. Please fuck off.
.
.
.
I am a stupid, stupid girl.
Hey hangover! YOU'RE A BIG JERK!
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