Guy that doesn’t cover his mouth when he coughs!

Hey!

You have a cold. It sucks, I know. I almost feel a tickle in my throat as well. No one likes being sick; it makes you achy, stuffy and makes you do loud things in public like sneezing and coughing. Which reminds me, dear stranger, about this little thing you just did as you were standing beside me. You coughed. You coughed and you sniffled and you coughed again…AND YOU DIDN’T COVER YOUR MOUTH WHEN YOU COUGHED.

You are disgusting! I mean, I’m the kind’ve person that thinks those Government ads you see on tv and subway cars that tell you to cover your mouth when you cough/sneeze and wash your hands are dumb. Who doesn’t know how to wash their hands? Who doesn’t know that you’re supposed to cover your mouth when you cough?

Oh, apparently you don’t. Those ads are targeted at you, dumbass. Start paying attention. I don’t want your cold and it’s really fucking rude to cough with your mouth open. If you’re at home, go nuts. Go fucking nuts. Cough in your dog’s face for all I care. But when you’re in public, cover your mouth. Fuck, you disgust me.

Hey guy that doesn’t cover his mouth when he coughs! YOU’RE A BIG JERK!

Woman that does sudoku puzzles in the doorway of the subway!

Hey!

You're doing a sudoku on the subway. You're getting your brain moving and working early in the morning! Cool! Why, though, do you feel the need to lean against the partition in the doorways, stick your feet halfway into the middle of the entrance, and do your puzzle two feet away from your body? Are you dumb?
The best part, though, is that when I accidentally hit your paper as I was walking by you let out a sigh and gave me a look of disgust. Really? REALLY?! Well fuck you. If you want to do a puzzle on the subway and you're standing in the doorway, both you and your puzzle are going to get hit. And I'm not going to feel bad about it one bit because, quite frankly, you deserve it. You deserve to get hit and you deserve to have a shitty, pen-marked puzzle. You. Deserve. It.

Hey woman that does sudoku puzzles in the doorway of the subway! YOU'RE A BIG JERK!

Guy that parked his bike at Yonge and Bloor six months ago

Hey!

You biked to work about six months ago! Cool! Then you decided to leave your bike locked up there! For six months! Never EVER moving it!

Hey supreme asshole! FUCK YOU. You know, if you parked it in the middle of the rack and left it then I wouldn't really care so much (aside from the huge hassle it would be for people to park around you). But you decided to park on the outside of the rack -- the sweetest spot any cyclist can hope to grab, because you never need to worry about twisting yourself around other bikes to lock/unlock yours. You parked it there and left it. It has not moved in six months.
I mean, if you're dead or got hit on the head and can't remember anything then I'm really sorry and whatever...but if you're just a douche, then I hate you.

It blows my mind that this bike has been sitting at the corner of Yonge and Bloor for months now and hasn't been stolen. My roommates have had shittier bikes stolen from our backyard, but this thing sits there for months and the only time it's touched is when I shift it around to lock my bike up to it. Argh.

I mean, I guess it's not so bad because since everyone chooses to park in empty spots, I know I'll always get the spot right beside you and never have to worry about you coming out or parking a bigger bike there...but I really wish you'd move it, because it's seriously a douchey thing to do.

Hey guy that parked his bike at Yonge and Bloor six months ago! YOU'RE A BIG JERK!

(So hey, if anyone wants a free bike and can cut a u-style lock...it's the red and silver one right in front of the CIBC. Rusted chain, old flyers sticking around the frame, seat a little torn up...beside my rad blue and white one with the basket.)

Drycleaners.ca

Hey!

You run a dry cleaning service! In fact, your website is drycleaners.ca - a pretty coveted domain, I'm sure! Across your pages you boast "free pick-up and delivery" and "100% satisfaction guaranteed"...but when I called to ask about rates and delivery days, your representative quite rudely told me that you no longer offered pick-ups and if I would have tried to place an order, I would have found that out.

Okay, number one: I shouldn't have to try and place an order to find out you don't do pick-ups anymore. You should just take the false advertising off your website.

Number two: Tell your guy on the phone that he needs to be more polite. Seriously, he didn't even say hello and was a total asshole.

Number three: You fucking suck. Take that shit off your website and replace it with "if you want some dry cleaning we'll probably do it, but you have to come to our location in our sketchy Sherbourne neighbourhood to drop it off and pick it up. Hopefully we don't lose it."

100% satisfaction guarantee FAIL.

Hey drycleaners.ca! YOU'RE ALL BIG JERKS!

Puzzle that really isn't a puzzle

Hey!

You're a favourite puzzle in my "Puzzle a Day" calendar. I love the challenge of having to turn the word "Frown" into "Smile" in just 8 steps and really enjoy doing these little ladders. The thing is, it's really not much of a challenge when you give me five of the eight steps. I mean, this is a frigging PUZZLE. It's supposed to challenge me! And when you put:

Frown
Flown
Flows
Slows
x
x
x
Suite
Smite
Smile

IT'S NOT MUCH OF A CHALLENGE! I probably could have figured out those other steps myself and would have enjoyed the mental workout. I didn't get this calendar to just have it sit on my desk and have something to look at...I got it so I could work my brain a bit every day. You giving me the answers doesn't really do much and doesn't really live up to the word "puzzle". I'm not dumb. Frig.

Hey puzzle that really isn't a puzzle! YOU'RE A BIG JERK!

Pop that exploded over the weekend

Hey!

You're a carbonated beverage! Lots of people love to drink you and even I partake every once in a while. You taste great and there's nothing like that icy cold refreshment on a hot summer day. The thing is, when you decide to randomly freeze because the mini fridge is too cold, you sometimes can't contain your excitement and totally explode. You burst your contents all over the fridge, leaving everything coated with a sticky, black gunk. This means I come in after the weekend and have to spend the first 25 minutes of my week on my knees, scrubbing you off the fridge and wiping down each individual can, bottle and milk carton. Not cool.

Hey pop can that exploded over the weekend! YOU'RE A BIG JERK!

Open-mouth gum chewers

Hey!

You're chewing gum! Cool! I guess you had bad breath, or wanted to freshen up your mouth or something...maybe you even just like the taste! Can I just ask one favour of you, though? Can you learn how to CLOSE YOUR MOUTH when you're chewing gum? It's not hard, I swear. You simply DON'T OPEN your mouth when the gum is in there.

I mean, come the fuck on. Do you eat with your mouth open? Are you a mouth-breather? I highly doubt it. The fact is, you're a six-foot-tall business man in a suit, so I'm guessing you have manners of some sort. Why, then, WHY do you chew gum with your mouth open? How have you not learned proper gum etiquette? You look and sound like cows chewing cud. My mom doesn't chew gum for this exact reason; she knows that she chews with her mouth open, so she just doesn't chew it in public. It's not that my mom is smarter than the average human, it's just that she has common sense and good manners. It's that simple.

The next person that chews gum in my ear when they're standing behind me in an elevator is going to get an elbow to the gut. I swear it.

Hey open-mouth gum chewers! YOU'RE ALL BIG JERKS!