Thursday, September 3, 2009

Open-mouth gum chewers


You're chewing gum! Cool! I guess you had bad breath, or wanted to freshen up your mouth or something...maybe you even just like the taste! Can I just ask one favour of you, though? Can you learn how to CLOSE YOUR MOUTH when you're chewing gum? It's not hard, I swear. You simply DON'T OPEN your mouth when the gum is in there.

I mean, come the fuck on. Do you eat with your mouth open? Are you a mouth-breather? I highly doubt it. The fact is, you're a six-foot-tall business man in a suit, so I'm guessing you have manners of some sort. Why, then, WHY do you chew gum with your mouth open? How have you not learned proper gum etiquette? You look and sound like cows chewing cud. My mom doesn't chew gum for this exact reason; she knows that she chews with her mouth open, so she just doesn't chew it in public. It's not that my mom is smarter than the average human, it's just that she has common sense and good manners. It's that simple.

The next person that chews gum in my ear when they're standing behind me in an elevator is going to get an elbow to the gut. I swear it.

Hey open-mouth gum chewers! YOU'RE ALL BIG JERKS!

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