Guy that chews with his mouth open

Hey!

You’re enjoying your meal! Man, it looks good. What you got there, some chicken? Bread? French fries? Yum-my! And wow, it looks even more appealing when it’s inside your mouth!

Oh wait, no it doesn’t. It disgusts me. You are disgusting. Chew with your mouth closed. You’re in public and sitting beside people you know and respect, so why are you acting like a cow and chewing with your mouth open? You realize you’ll lose friends over this, right? No one will want to hang out with you because you have poor manners. The only way chewing with your mouth open is acceptable is if you were raised by wolves, and I'm pretty sure you were raised in the suburbs. And you wonder why you're single.

Hey guy that chews with his mouth open! YOU’RE A BIG JERK!

Guy that doesn’t cover his mouth when he coughs!

Hey!

You have a cold. It sucks, I know. I almost feel a tickle in my throat as well. No one likes being sick; it makes you achy, stuffy and makes you do loud things in public like sneezing and coughing. Which reminds me, dear stranger, about this little thing you just did as you were standing beside me. You coughed. You coughed and you sniffled and you coughed again…AND YOU DIDN’T COVER YOUR MOUTH WHEN YOU COUGHED.

You are disgusting! I mean, I’m the kind’ve person that thinks those Government ads you see on tv and subway cars that tell you to cover your mouth when you cough/sneeze and wash your hands are dumb. Who doesn’t know how to wash their hands? Who doesn’t know that you’re supposed to cover your mouth when you cough?

Oh, apparently you don’t. Those ads are targeted at you, dumbass. Start paying attention. I don’t want your cold and it’s really fucking rude to cough with your mouth open. If you’re at home, go nuts. Go fucking nuts. Cough in your dog’s face for all I care. But when you’re in public, cover your mouth. Fuck, you disgust me.

Hey guy that doesn’t cover his mouth when he coughs! YOU’RE A BIG JERK!

Pop that exploded over the weekend

Hey!

You're a carbonated beverage! Lots of people love to drink you and even I partake every once in a while. You taste great and there's nothing like that icy cold refreshment on a hot summer day. The thing is, when you decide to randomly freeze because the mini fridge is too cold, you sometimes can't contain your excitement and totally explode. You burst your contents all over the fridge, leaving everything coated with a sticky, black gunk. This means I come in after the weekend and have to spend the first 25 minutes of my week on my knees, scrubbing you off the fridge and wiping down each individual can, bottle and milk carton. Not cool.

Hey pop can that exploded over the weekend! YOU'RE A BIG JERK!

Open-mouth gum chewers

Hey!

You're chewing gum! Cool! I guess you had bad breath, or wanted to freshen up your mouth or something...maybe you even just like the taste! Can I just ask one favour of you, though? Can you learn how to CLOSE YOUR MOUTH when you're chewing gum? It's not hard, I swear. You simply DON'T OPEN your mouth when the gum is in there.

I mean, come the fuck on. Do you eat with your mouth open? Are you a mouth-breather? I highly doubt it. The fact is, you're a six-foot-tall business man in a suit, so I'm guessing you have manners of some sort. Why, then, WHY do you chew gum with your mouth open? How have you not learned proper gum etiquette? You look and sound like cows chewing cud. My mom doesn't chew gum for this exact reason; she knows that she chews with her mouth open, so she just doesn't chew it in public. It's not that my mom is smarter than the average human, it's just that she has common sense and good manners. It's that simple.

The next person that chews gum in my ear when they're standing behind me in an elevator is going to get an elbow to the gut. I swear it.

Hey open-mouth gum chewers! YOU'RE ALL BIG JERKS!