Hey jerk! You're a big jerk!

Guy That Doesn't Use the Crosswalk

2010-07-12T09:12:00.002-04:00

Hey!

Happy Monday, buddy! Looks like you just exited the subway and need to cross the street to get to your building. Ooh maybe you can use the huge crosswalk at the intersection! What, what? No? You’d rather just run out into the street? Oh.

Fuck you.

Not only is the crosswalk 20 feet away, but it’s a pedestrian scramble crosswalk, which means you have TWO TIMES the amount of time to cross the road. And think about it: we had like 14 pedestrian deaths in January alone. Fourteen!

I know you think that you’re big shit since you cross wherever you want to cross, but –newsflash- you’re not. Especially when you start crossing then look up from your Blackberry and see that cars in the other lane are coming faster than expected, so you have to turn around and run back to the safety of your sidewalk. Real smooth, dicksucker. In the amount of time you stood there waiting for a gap in traffic, you could have been at the crosswalk and crossing already.

Hey guy that doesn’t use the crosswalk! YOU’RE A BIG JERK!

Chatty Cathy who likes to engage in conversation at 8:30am

2010-07-07T10:43:00.002-04:00

Hey!

It's 8:30 in the morning! OMG we're both here at 8:30 in the morning! How cool is that right?! You're so happy and perky and you want to talk to me about your kids? Oh WOW COOL! I can't wait to hear another story about how Jimmy had hockey practice! Can we hold off for a minute though? I haven't had my coffee yet and your shrill perky voice is hitting me like needles in my brain.

Here's the thing: you're a 10am person. You're a person I don't want to deal with until 10am because you drive me absolutely insane before I'm fully awake. I feel towards you the way I feel towards an alarm clock; I want to slap you and shut you up because the noises you make fill me with rage and a sense of dread.

I'm a total morning person, but it still doesn't mean that I don't want to make small talk with you before I've had my coffee. Give me some time. Half an hour or so to let the beans do their work and let the sweat dry off my neck from my bike ride in.

And it blows my mind that you don't get it! I make polite grunts but that's about it. I'm pretty sure I've said "oh ha ha I haven't had my coffee yet so I'm not really all there ha ha" and you've just kept going on. Just shut up. Just please shut up and realize that some of us haven't been Go-Training for the past two hours and some of us just want 30 minutes to drink coffee and reply to emails. Please. Come back later.

Hey Chatty Cathy who likes to engage in conversation at 8:30am! YOU'RE A BIG JERK!

Stupid Asshole Idiot

2010-02-16T22:43:00.003-05:00

Hey!

Yo man, how've you been? We went on three dates almost two years ago! Time flies, eh?

Remember how it ended? I told you I wasn't really interested and didn't see a future, and you gave me the silent treatment for three days, and called me a slut and a bitch! Then when I deleted you off Facebook and you totally flipped out, calling me bad names (again) and saying something akin to "good riddance, bitch. I hope your life sucks." In fact, those may have been the EXACT WORDS! Oh man, how time flies.

Then, months later, you try to contact me again. I ignore you because you called me a slutbitch, and you flip out again! More names are spat in my face while I patiently bite my tongue and don't respond

And THEN, a whole year later, you send me a message! You ask me out for coffee. I politely decline and you delete me again.

Oh goodness how time flies! Six months later, you send me another message! You ask me out for coffee again. I politely decline, this time telling you that I don't really want any relationship with you, friendship or other. My message is polite, civil, and even apologetic. You call me an ice cold bitch. I tell you that I'm blocking you and apologize for being rude. I tell you that I hope you have a great summer and have a smooth move out of your parents home. You proceed to send me an email with the phrase "good riddance".

HERE'S THE THING, YOU STUPID LITTLE DICK STUPID COCKSUCKER ASSHOLE FUCKER:

I am being nice to you! You called me a slutbitch! You made me feel bad! We went on THREE DATES. Where many women would have told you to screw off and blocked you immediately after you called them names, I left you with access to my Facebook (which, in writing this down seems petty and silly, but This Day In Age really *does* mean something). Sure, I left you with access mostly out of pity, but I never led you astray, always telling you what I thought in a polite way, and always saying I was sorry that I just didn't want to meet up. I told you that based on what you've showed me in the past, I can pretty much figure out how you'll react in the future and I really didn't need that sort of drama in my life.

AND HEY, GUESS WHAT HAPPENED! YOU REACTED EXACTLY AS I SAID YOU WOULD! You went from hot to cold within two seconds and called me more names!

It is taking EVERY.SINGLE.BONE.IN.MY.BODY. not to respond to your email with some kind of song. A video clip, even. A song that goes something like "la la la, I told you you'd act like this/ la la la I was totally right / la la la I'm sorry I'm not in love with you / la la la I told you so I told you so I told you so..." and so on. My fingers are poised over the keys, simply aching with the want to be petty, mean, rude, bitchy and absolutely childish to you. I want to hurt you. I want to tease you. I want to kick your ass cyberly.

But I won't. Because I'm trying to be a nice person. A nice slutbitch. We *do* exist.

So hey stupid asshole idiot that calls me names yet begs me to go out with him! YOU ARE SERIOUSLY A HUGE JERK. FUCK OFF PLEASE.

Guy that runs for a train he can't see

2010-01-08T10:02:00.003-05:00

Hey!

We entered the subway station at the same time. Twinsies! Looks like we're walking down the stairs at the same ti...oh no, wait a sec...you've decided to push past me and run down the stairs! What gives, newbestfriend? Oh, I see. You hear a train coming. And there is the *slight* chance it may be your train, so you have decided to run for it and shove me out of the way. You're an idiot for a few reasons:

1- You don't know if it's your train. You are standing at the top of the stairs, close to street level, and have absolutely no way of telling if the approaching train is yours or not. Not only do you have no way of knowing, but...

2- Even if it is your train, there is NO FRIGGING WAY you're going to make it! Are you kidding me? You're at street level and have to make it down one set of stairs, walk 20 feet to the other set of stairs, run down those to the platform and hop on the train. If the train is operating as it normally does, it's going to be at the platform for 10 seconds, max. You can't make this run in 10 seconds.

3- After you in all your "running like there's a madman with a gun at the turnstile" glory push past the 20 other people and you end up missing the train, and everyone that you shoved shows up to the platform, calm and collected, we all think to ourselves "man, what an idiot. Looks like I will be catching the exact same train as he will and I didn't run. Take note, stupid running guy. You're stupid for running." People judge you and then perform small victory dances in their minds, all the while chanting "I'm better than you, running guy!"

In short, don't run for the train unless you're 100% positive that it is indeed your train coming and that you'll make it. And if you do decide to run, don't shove people. One day someone won't be so nice and will purposely try and trip you down the stairs, making you not only miss your train, but also making you bloody.

Hey guy that runs for a train he can't see! YOU'RE A BIG JERK!

Idiots that just stop in the middle of wherever the hell they are

2010-01-05T09:45:00.003-05:00

Hey!

Oh uh...excus...get out of...get out of the way.

Get out of the way.

Get out of the way!
GET OUT OF THE WAY!
GET OUT OF THE WAY GET OUT OF THE WAY GET OUT OF THE WAY!

ARE YOU KIDDING ME? YOU JUST EXITED A BUILDING/GOT OFF AN ESCALATOR/ARE IN A DOORWAY! GET OUT OF THE WAY! WHY ARE YOU STOPPING IN THE MIDDLE OF THE SIDEWALK/SUBWAY PLATFORM/LOBBY? WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM? IT IS RUSH HOUR IN TORONTO. THERE ARE PEOPLE BEHIND YOU.

YOU ARE NOT THE ONLY PERSON IN THE WORLD! GET OUT OF THE WAY!

Hey idiots that just stop in the middle of wherever the hell they are. YOU'RE ALL BIG JERKS!

Women that jaywalk on busy roads with their strollers

2009-11-13T12:49:00.002-05:00

Hey!

You have a baby. Awesome! Congratulations. I love seeing you smile at your baby as you're taking him/her for a walk.

You know what I hate, though? When you decide to jaywalk with your baby. On a busy street. Pushing the stroller in front of you like some kind of four-wheeled stop sign, signalling to drivers "I AM WALKING ACROSS THE ROAD HERE AND I HAVE A BABY. YOU WOULDN'T HIT A BABY, WOULD YOU?"

Who the fuck do you think you are?! I would never jaywalk a busy street with a baby, and I have nowhere near the maternal instinct I should, as a 25 year old woman, have. On a quiet residential street, sure. Go nuts. Push the stroller into the road and see how far it goes, I don't care. But in the middle of Bloor street? Are you kidding me?

You can't account for the "What If" factor when you're jaywalking with your baby. What if the wheel gets caught in a streetcar track and you can't get it out in time? What if the driver down the road is going faster than you first thought? What if there is a hidden intersection and someone comes whipping down the alley into the road? What if someone doesn't see you? What if the other light has an advanced green and that's the reason your walk-light hasn't changed?

Can you really risk the lives of you and your baby just because you were too dumb to walk the extra 20 feet down the road and cross at the light, or too impatient to wait for your walk signal? People would die for their kids every day, but I don't think stupidity is what they're talking about.

Hey women that jaywalk on busy roads with their strollers! YOU'RE ALL BIG JERKS!

People that don't put their dirty dishes in the dishwasher

2009-10-27T10:59:00.005-04:00

Hey!

FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, PUT YOUR FUCKING DISHES IN THE DISHWASHER! IT'S RIGHT THERE! IT'S RIGHT BESIDE THE SINK! YOU ARE ADULTS AND YOU WORK AT A HUGE, IMPORTANT, INTERNATIONAL COMPANY. YOU OWN HOUSES, HAVE FAMILIES AND DRIVE CARS. HOW DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND WHAT IT MEANS TO PUT YOUR DIRTY CUP IN THE FUCKING DISHWASHER?! WHAT THE HELL?

Hey people that don't put their dirty dishes in the dishwasher! YOU'RE ALL BIG JERKS!

Guy that chews with his mouth open

2009-10-16T15:50:00.002-04:00

Hey!

You’re enjoying your meal! Man, it looks good. What you got there, some chicken? Bread? French fries? Yum-my! And wow, it looks even more appealing when it’s inside your mouth!

Oh wait, no it doesn’t. It disgusts me. You are disgusting. Chew with your mouth closed. You’re in public and sitting beside people you know and respect, so why are you acting like a cow and chewing with your mouth open? You realize you’ll lose friends over this, right? No one will want to hang out with you because you have poor manners. The only way chewing with your mouth open is acceptable is if you were raised by wolves, and I'm pretty sure you were raised in the suburbs. And you wonder why you're single.

Hey guy that chews with his mouth open! YOU’RE A BIG JERK!

Girl that talks loudly on her cell phone

2009-10-13T14:48:00.000-04:00

Hey!

You have a cellphone! I do too! OMG TWINS! Oh, there it goes! Oh. Uh, hey, excuse me. Excuse me, your phone is ringing. Loudly. Excuse…excuse me, your phone is…there ya go, you got it! Oh! No yeah, just go ahead and talk. Oh, um…no, no, it’s nothing, I just didn’t realize Lisa was such a slut. Oh. And she has some nasty rash? Wow. Okay cool. No, no, don’t worry about it. Oh. Oh so you met your biological father yesterday? Wow, that’s pretty intense. He…oh, so you don’t actually know he was your father because your mom slept with so many men? Oh. That’s…Isn’t this a conversation you should have at home? In private? No, no. Go ahead. Sorry to disturb you. Wait, you think your boyfriend is cheating on you? With Lisa? This is…should I not be listening? I’m…wow, okay.

Hey girl that talks loudly about personal matters on her cell phone! YOU’RE A BIG JERK!

Guy that doesn’t cover his mouth when he coughs!

2009-09-24T10:58:00.000-04:00

Hey!

You have a cold. It sucks, I know. I almost feel a tickle in my throat as well. No one likes being sick; it makes you achy, stuffy and makes you do loud things in public like sneezing and coughing. Which reminds me, dear stranger, about this little thing you just did as you were standing beside me. You coughed. You coughed and you sniffled and you coughed again…AND YOU DIDN’T COVER YOUR MOUTH WHEN YOU COUGHED.

You are disgusting! I mean, I’m the kind’ve person that thinks those Government ads you see on tv and subway cars that tell you to cover your mouth when you cough/sneeze and wash your hands are dumb. Who doesn’t know how to wash their hands? Who doesn’t know that you’re supposed to cover your mouth when you cough?

Oh, apparently you don’t. Those ads are targeted at you, dumbass. Start paying attention. I don’t want your cold and it’s really fucking rude to cough with your mouth open. If you’re at home, go nuts. Go fucking nuts. Cough in your dog’s face for all I care. But when you’re in public, cover your mouth. Fuck, you disgust me.

Hey guy that doesn’t cover his mouth when he coughs! YOU’RE A BIG JERK!

Woman that does sudoku puzzles in the doorway of the subway!

2009-09-21T10:09:00.002-04:00

Hey!

You're doing a sudoku on the subway. You're getting your brain moving and working early in the morning! Cool! Why, though, do you feel the need to lean against the partition in the doorways, stick your feet halfway into the middle of the entrance, and do your puzzle two feet away from your body? Are you dumb?
The best part, though, is that when I accidentally hit your paper as I was walking by you let out a sigh and gave me a look of disgust. Really? REALLY?! Well fuck you. If you want to do a puzzle on the subway and you're standing in the doorway, both you and your puzzle are going to get hit. And I'm not going to feel bad about it one bit because, quite frankly, you deserve it. You deserve to get hit and you deserve to have a shitty, pen-marked puzzle. You. Deserve. It.

Hey woman that does sudoku puzzles in the doorway of the subway! YOU'RE A BIG JERK!

Guy that parked his bike at Yonge and Bloor six months ago

2009-09-11T09:18:00.002-04:00

Hey!

You biked to work about six months ago! Cool! Then you decided to leave your bike locked up there! For six months! Never EVER moving it!

Hey supreme asshole! FUCK YOU. You know, if you parked it in the middle of the rack and left it then I wouldn't really care so much (aside from the huge hassle it would be for people to park around you). But you decided to park on the outside of the rack -- the sweetest spot any cyclist can hope to grab, because you never need to worry about twisting yourself around other bikes to lock/unlock yours. You parked it there and left it. It has not moved in six months.
I mean, if you're dead or got hit on the head and can't remember anything then I'm really sorry and whatever...but if you're just a douche, then I hate you.

It blows my mind that this bike has been sitting at the corner of Yonge and Bloor for months now and hasn't been stolen. My roommates have had shittier bikes stolen from our backyard, but this thing sits there for months and the only time it's touched is when I shift it around to lock my bike up to it. Argh.

I mean, I guess it's not so bad because since everyone chooses to park in empty spots, I know I'll always get the spot right beside you and never have to worry about you coming out or parking a bigger bike there...but I really wish you'd move it, because it's seriously a douchey thing to do.

Hey guy that parked his bike at Yonge and Bloor six months ago! YOU'RE A BIG JERK!

(So hey, if anyone wants a free bike and can cut a u-style lock...it's the red and silver one right in front of the CIBC. Rusted chain, old flyers sticking around the frame, seat a little torn up...beside my rad blue and white one with the basket.)

Drycleaners.ca

2009-09-10T00:00:00.001-04:00

Hey!

You run a dry cleaning service! In fact, your website is drycleaners.ca - a pretty coveted domain, I'm sure! Across your pages you boast "free pick-up and delivery" and "100% satisfaction guaranteed"...but when I called to ask about rates and delivery days, your representative quite rudely told me that you no longer offered pick-ups and if I would have tried to place an order, I would have found that out.

Okay, number one: I shouldn't have to try and place an order to find out you don't do pick-ups anymore. You should just take the false advertising off your website.

Number two: Tell your guy on the phone that he needs to be more polite. Seriously, he didn't even say hello and was a total asshole.

Number three: You fucking suck. Take that shit off your website and replace it with "if you want some dry cleaning we'll probably do it, but you have to come to our location in our sketchy Sherbourne neighbourhood to drop it off and pick it up. Hopefully we don't lose it."

100% satisfaction guarantee FAIL.

Hey drycleaners.ca! YOU'RE ALL BIG JERKS!

Puzzle that really isn't a puzzle

2009-09-09T00:00:00.000-04:00

Hey!

You're a favourite puzzle in my "Puzzle a Day" calendar. I love the challenge of having to turn the word "Frown" into "Smile" in just 8 steps and really enjoy doing these little ladders. The thing is, it's really not much of a challenge when you give me five of the eight steps. I mean, this is a frigging PUZZLE. It's supposed to challenge me! And when you put:

Frown
Flown
Flows
Slows
x
x
x
Suite
Smite
Smile

IT'S NOT MUCH OF A CHALLENGE! I probably could have figured out those other steps myself and would have enjoyed the mental workout. I didn't get this calendar to just have it sit on my desk and have something to look at...I got it so I could work my brain a bit every day. You giving me the answers doesn't really do much and doesn't really live up to the word "puzzle". I'm not dumb. Frig.

Hey puzzle that really isn't a puzzle! YOU'RE A BIG JERK!

Pop that exploded over the weekend

2009-09-08T09:43:00.003-04:00

Hey!

You're a carbonated beverage! Lots of people love to drink you and even I partake every once in a while. You taste great and there's nothing like that icy cold refreshment on a hot summer day. The thing is, when you decide to randomly freeze because the mini fridge is too cold, you sometimes can't contain your excitement and totally explode. You burst your contents all over the fridge, leaving everything coated with a sticky, black gunk. This means I come in after the weekend and have to spend the first 25 minutes of my week on my knees, scrubbing you off the fridge and wiping down each individual can, bottle and milk carton. Not cool.

Hey pop can that exploded over the weekend! YOU'RE A BIG JERK!

Open-mouth gum chewers

2009-09-03T09:27:00.003-04:00

Hey!

You're chewing gum! Cool! I guess you had bad breath, or wanted to freshen up your mouth or something...maybe you even just like the taste! Can I just ask one favour of you, though? Can you learn how to CLOSE YOUR MOUTH when you're chewing gum? It's not hard, I swear. You simply DON'T OPEN your mouth when the gum is in there.

I mean, come the fuck on. Do you eat with your mouth open? Are you a mouth-breather? I highly doubt it. The fact is, you're a six-foot-tall business man in a suit, so I'm guessing you have manners of some sort. Why, then, WHY do you chew gum with your mouth open? How have you not learned proper gum etiquette? You look and sound like cows chewing cud. My mom doesn't chew gum for this exact reason; she knows that she chews with her mouth open, so she just doesn't chew it in public. It's not that my mom is smarter than the average human, it's just that she has common sense and good manners. It's that simple.

The next person that chews gum in my ear when they're standing behind me in an elevator is going to get an elbow to the gut. I swear it.

Hey open-mouth gum chewers! YOU'RE ALL BIG JERKS!

Cancer

2009-08-31T11:30:00.004-04:00

Hey!

You kill people all the time and totally ruin lives! What the FUCK?! I'm totally going to kick your ass.

Hey cancer! YOU'RE A BIG JERK!

(support me in the Ride to Conquer Cancer! Go to http://to10.conquercancer.ca and donate to my name!)

Guy that doesn't clear the microwave timer

2009-08-27T08:57:00.004-04:00

Hey!

You use the microwave to heat things up! You like to stop it before it beeps! Maybe you decided it was hot enough, maybe you just didn't want to wait that last 37 seconds...it's cool, I get it. But WHY do you not take the extra step and push the "Clear" button when you take your shit out?! Seriously? Seriously. You're one of those people that just leaves the remaining 37 seconds on the clock, so the next person that wants to use the microwave or check the time has to clear your shit first. You probably leave cupboard doors open and crumbs in the butter, too.

Hey guy that doesn't clear the microwave timer when he takes his things out early! YOU'RE A BIG JERK!

Guy that wears so much cologne I can smell him when he’s in his car

2009-08-25T12:48:00.003-04:00

Hey!

You drive a car! Cool! You like to groom! Cool! You blast totally dope gino beats out of your car! Okay, whatever floats your boat!

Here’s the thing: when I pull my bike up beside your car and I can smell your cologne from the other side of the car, you are very uncool. Infact, you’re pretty stupid. If you wear so much cologne that I can smell you above truck exhaust, construction dust and that gross “Toronto” smell that we sometimes get, you are wearing too much cologne. I mean, I understand that your windows are open so maybe that’s why the smell was right in my face (I’d smell smoke or McDonald’s too, I’m sure), but when I can hardly take a breath in for fear of getting a headache, it’s gone too far. I feel sorry for any passenger that has to ride with you; they must really have a hard time breathing. Seriously, lay off the Axe. Your stench diameter is remarkably wide.

Hey guy that wears so much cologne I can smell him when he’s in his car! YOU’RE A BIG JERK!

(source)

Hangover

2009-08-21T11:37:00.001-04:00

Hey!

It's 11:38am and you're still here. Please fuck off.
.
.
.
I am a stupid, stupid girl.

Hey hangover! YOU'RE A BIG JERK!

Woman that stares at me while I'm naked

2009-08-20T13:40:00.002-04:00

Hey!

We're getting changed at the same time and you can't seem to take your eyes off me! Unless you want to have sex in the steamroom, stop looking at me while I'm naked. It's creeping me out.

Hey woman that stares at me while I'm naked! YOU'RE A BIG JERK!

People that have almost-sex on the subway

2009-08-19T13:52:00.003-04:00

Hey!

You're in love! Or maybe you just really like the person you're with! I'm so happy for you and really pleased that you seem to have found someone so awesome. You should be proud to hold hands and give occasional pecks on the cheek.

But do NOT, by ANY means think that it's okay to GIVE YOUR BOYFRIEND A BLOWJOB/FINGERBANG YOUR GIRLFRIEND ON THE SUBWAY. What, seriously?! I mean, making out in public is bad enough; no one likes huge amounts of PDA, especially if you're over the age of 17. But to totally have full-on sexual contact like that on a subway is absolutely gross. It's also really hard to NOT watch it (though if you're doing that you obviously enjoy voyeurism to a certain degree so I should be allowed to watch you).

Hey people that have almost-sex on the subway! YOU'RE ALL BIG JERKS!

People that walk up the "down" stairs during rush hour

2009-08-18T09:13:00.003-04:00

Hey!

You take the subway every day at rush hour! I totally understand how challenging and difficult to get somewhere while everyone else is trying to get somewhere - it really blows sometimes! If everyone worked together, things would go much more smoothly. But you don't care about how smooth things run, do you? You only care about yourself. You fucking idiot.

Listen, if you're going "up" and there is an "up" escalator and the only way "down" is on the stairs, take the frigging escalator. I can't believe how many stupid, ignorant, selfish idiots try going up the stairs when there is an escalator right beside them; hello, idiots? Yeah, you're making things harder for yourself as you're going AGAINST the flow of people trying to go down the stairs because they have no other option! I mean come ON! I take the stairs as often as possible, but in circumstances such as this, I do the right thing and walk up the escalators. It makes sense. It's logical and easier for me and everyone around me.

And while I'm at it, hey woman who has a HUGE purse and told me to 'STOP PUSHING [HER]' as I was walking down the stairs! Here's the thing: I wasn't pushing you. Your purse was huge and you slung it over your shoulder in such a fashion that as I was walking behind you my knee hit it. If you don't want people to hit your bag, get a smaller purse or carry it in front of you. You stupid bitch.

Hey people that walk up the "down" stairs during rush hour! YOU'RE ALL BIG JERKS!

My achy knee

2009-08-17T11:36:00.004-04:00

Hey!

You're part of my body! I never had a problem with you before; you weren't fat, weird, big or small. You were great! You never gave me problems and I even admired the small scar you've been carrying around for 11 years.

Now, though...now you're being a total asshole. I can't bend you without hurting, I can't walk up stairs without feeling an ache, I can't do half the exercises I'm supposed to do because you decided that you don't want to work properly. What the hell?! I thought that doing exercises and losing weight was supposed to be GOOD for you! Instead, exercising has made you dumb. Really, really dumb.

Hey achy knee that has decided to crap out on me! YOU'RE A BIG JERK!

Old guy with a sense of entitlement

2009-08-14T11:25:00.004-04:00

Hey!

You're old! You've been around a long time, seen a lot, done a lot, had some fun...it's cool. I get it and I thank you for your contributions to society. I also think you're really cute sometimes, and look forward to being old and looking wrinkly and holding wrinkly hands and getting 10% off my coffee. The thing is, just because you're old doesn't mean you own the world and are entitled to whatever the hell you want. You have to wait in line like everyone else and you have to understand that there are other people on the face of the Earth that need services too!
THIS INCLUDES BUT IS NOT LIMITED TO: getting on a bus, ordering food, waiting to pick up a prescription at the pharmacy, parking spaces and grabbing a coffee. The next time I'm 15 minutes late for work because you decided to talk to the pharmacist about every single fucking item in the weekly flyer, I'm going to loose it and start pushing in front of you with an air of "my birth control is more important than your heart medication and the big Kleenex sale that's on until Saturday". Frig.

Hey old guy with a sense of entitlement! YOU'RE A BIG JERK!

Suits that wait around for free meals

2009-08-12T11:03:00.003-04:00

Hey!

You make a lot of money each year! I mean, I can't say I'm 100% certain how much you make, but you work in an office building which means you're most likely making more than minimum wage. Why the hell do you feel the need to stand in the lobby of the office building for upwards of 35 minutes, blocking elevators and doors and probably violating fire-codes, to get a free hamburger?

I think it's really nice that the building is having a "free lunch bbq for tenants" day, but while you stand there in expensive suits and scarf down your free potato salad, there's a homeless guy on the corner trying to sell papers to make a buck who probably hasn't had a meal like that in years. And while we're at it, I know for a fact that the cleaning and maintenance crews in the building don't get ANY of the free food until later this afternoon when the mayo has gone bad and the meat has been picked out of the buns. Whatever is left after people pick through is what they get...and they STILL have to clean up after you. I don't know. I like free food as much as the next girl, but to see people with money freak out and wait around for a free burger just kind've pisses me off. And chances are you'll drive home in your BMW, complaining that they didn't give you enough food and refused your ask for seconds. How about instead of hosting a "lets feed the rich people" day, we think about hosting a "lets feed the poor people" day?

Hey suits that wait around for free meals while folks that need it more than you go hungry! YOU'RE ALL BIG JERKS!

Guy that has a cigarette right before he gets in an elevator

2009-08-11T10:55:00.001-04:00

Hey!

You’re a smoker! You probably started when you were 14 years old and became instantly cool and admired, right? You didn’t care where you smoked and nobody said anything to you about it. The thing is, now you’re in your 20s/30s/40/s and not only is it not cool anymore, but you really should have learned some respect by now. You need to understand that when you smoke, you STINK. And when you have your last puff as you’re walking through the door of a building and head right into the elevator, you smell up EVERYTHING around you and no one can get a fucking breath in. If I get into an elevator, I like to be able to inhale at least once on my way up, and with you standing there, reeking of cigarettes and cheap perfume you spray over yourself to try and mask the smell that you’re obviously ashamed of but don’t care too much about, I can’t take a breath. You’re as bad as those 23 year old, greased-back hair, gold-chain wearing Axe bathers, only your smell is much more toxic.
Next time you decide to have a cigarette two feet away from a doorway (which, by the way, is really fucking rude and inconsiderate to people going in and out of the building), take an extra 30 seconds to stand outside and let the wind blow the stench off a little. It’s time to think about others.

Hey guy that has a cigarette right before he gets in an elevator! YOU’RE A BIG JERK!

People that wished for warmer weather

2009-08-10T10:15:00.003-04:00

Hey!

For me, this summer has been near-perfect; It hasn't rained too much (not compared to last year, at least) and the temperatures have been hovering around 23-25 degrees, often with a nice breeze. You, however, are not satisfied with this. "It's not summer weather at all!" you whine, still in your shorts and tank tops. "I wish it was warmer!" you complain while sipping a cold beer on a patio.

Well hey, idiots, your stupid prayers have been answered. It's hot. It's Humid. It's muggy. You're bitching.

What the fuck did you THINK was going to happen if it got hot out? This is Toronto, where it doesn't just get hot, it gets heavy and sticky out. In Melbourne, 35 degrees is sunny and nice and feels good on bare skin. In Toronto, 35 degrees is oppressive, cranky and makes your skin feel like it's made of Gak. I woke up sweating this morning, sweat throughout my breakfast and I'm pretty sure once I step out of my air conditioned office, I will start sweating again.

Hey people that wished for warmer weather! YOU'RE ALL BIG JERKS!

Guy that doesn't signal when he's passing me

2009-08-07T08:45:00.006-04:00

Hey!

You drive a small electric bike/scooter to work every day! Cool! I really think it's great that you're thinking about the environment (at least, I hope it's the environment you're thinking of...maybe you just want to look cool). You and I seem to bike along the same road at the same time every day, and there's just something that's getting on my nerves a little bit...
You never signal. Ever. No matter what you do, you never signal. You have fucking LIGHTS on the back of your bike and you never click them on if you're turning or changing a lane! You don't even need to lift one of your rather large, diamond ring encrusted arms, you just need to flick a switch.
The worst, though, the worst is when you decide to bike BESIDE me while you're slowly passing me, without so much as a bell or horn to say "Hey! I'm beside you!" Fucking idiot! There have been three separate occasions that I have almost run into you when I'm trying to get around a parked car because you feel it so fucking necessary to pass me even though we're going pretty much the same speed. USE A FUCKING BELL, you stupid piece of crap. And hey, PS - your bike isn't cool and you don't look cool riding it. It's not a scooter, it's not a motorcycle, it has pedals...and the fact that you coordinate your outfits and have huge, stupid diamonds dripping off you really makes you look like a douche.

Hey guy that doesn't signal when he's passing me! YOU'RE A BIG JERK!

Lady in the locker room that bends over while not wearing any panties

2009-08-06T14:08:00.003-04:00

Hey!

We work out at the same time most days of the week and we tend to use the same locker bay! While I try to change politely, you get full-on naked then BEND OVER and start texting into your purse. This leaves your ass right up in my face! Lady, I'm glad that you can be comfortable with your body and all that, but bending over with no panties on means I get a full view of your fucking crack. I don't want to see it! Are you seriously that comfortable with your ass crack that you just want to show it off? C'mon man, this is a public room! I like boobs as much as the next guy, but there are some things that should only be between you and the one you love/are fucking. Have some respect for others in the space!

Hey lady in the locker room that bends over while not wearing any panties! YOU'RE A BIG JERK!

Crack-head that comes into my office and makes me fear for my life

2009-08-05T11:41:00.004-04:00

Hey!

I'm sitting at my desk, writing jokes or whatever I do during my day job and you walk in. You look grubby and weird, so I assume you're a courier. You start asking if I need help and then tell me that you want a credit card. Oh, you're not a courier, you're a crack-head. I politely tell you that I can't give you a credit card and that I don't think I can help you here. You proceed to STARE at me for THREE MINUTES while I politely ask you to leave. You tell me I'm beautiful. I say I'm flattered but you still need to leave. You get more aggressive, telling me that you want to open your own bank and you need a credit card to do so because you don't have any money. I try to explain the Canadian banking system to you. You don't understand. This whole time, I can't see your left hand. You then tell me that it's really quiet out here. I say "yes, everyone works in the back" and you say "that's perfect". My inner monologue spins into "oh my god, he has a gun and he is going to shoot me in this quiet reception area. Which co-worker will find me? Will they call my mom? I just got this new white sweater. Where can I possibly run to?" I push the panic button under my desk. I push it again. Again. I wait patiently.

I call the biggest, toughest co-worker I can think of and he comes out. He explains the Canadian banking system to you. You don't understand. You argue with him and he uses big words to confuse you. Finally you leave after 10 minutes. I call security and find out that 1) they were trying to catch you and 2) my panic button doesn't work.

Hey crack-head that comes into my office and makes me fear for my life! YOU'RE A BIG JERK!

Guys that kill dolphins in Taiji

2009-08-05T09:05:00.004-04:00

Hey!

I saw this movie last night and I think you were in it! "The Cove". You were the guy capturing and killing dolphins in Japan, right? And then you sold the mercury-laden dolphin meat to schools and made kids eat it for lunch? And you kill, like, 23,000 dolphins each year in your town alone? Porpoises too?! No way! And sometimes instead of killing them you sell them to places like MarineLand and Sea World and make them live in captivity for the rest of their lives? Wow man. Impressive.

Hey guys that kill dolphins in Taiji! YOU'RE ALL BIG JERKS!

Parent that has a stupid-big SUV stroller

2009-08-04T09:21:00.003-04:00

Hey!

You have a baby and it's totally awesome! I think babies are great - really, I do! They're cute, they make me laugh, they have soft skin...babies are pretty cool and I'm really happy for you. The thing is, though, that your baby probably doesn't need a huge-ass stroller to sleep, cry and crap in. Come on.

This thing spent nine months curled up inside your body. It sleeps in a crib that doesn't have a lot of fluff around it because it doesn't need fluff, and sometimes fluff can be dangerous. You throw it in a piece of fabric and sling it over your shoulder when you go for a walk. Why WHY, then, does your baby need a state-of-the-art, SUV-esque, more-pouches-than-you-can-handle stroller? Is it for you? So that you can throw shit in the stroller and eventually mess it up like the inside of your car? Is it because the baby needs to have every book, diaper and change of clothes it owns with it at all times? Because believe me, when you take a huge stroller out it gets in everyone's way; on the subway, on the streetcar, on the sidewalk, at a restaurant...everyone has to try and move out of your way because YOUR BABY IS COMING THROUGH. Watch your toes, people, the headlights are broken.

Listen, if you're going for some crazy 10-hour walk through the wilderness where you're sure that you won't encounter too many people, then cool. Take the big stroller. But if you're going to the mall, downtown, or through some touristy location where you know there will be 8000 other people there, take a smaller stroller that won't get in everyone's way. It's common sense and common courtesy.

Hey parent that has a stupid-big SUV stroller! YOU'RE A BIG JERK!

Guy that gives unnecessarily hard high-fives

2009-07-31T11:07:00.006-04:00

Hey!

You're a cool friend! One of those guys everyone knows and everyone likes! You need a way to say hello, so instead of shaking hands, you give high-fives. Not just any high-fives, though...the HARDEST HIGH-FIVES IN THE ENTIRE WORLD!

Dude! Stop it! When I go in for a high-five I'm expecting a good hit with small a small sting-back factor. With you, though, I get hit harder than a crash test dummy at high speeds. My hand turns red, pain shoots down to my elbow and I'm partially numb for five minutes. Not cool!

Hey guy that gives unnecessarily hard high-fives! YOU'RE A BIG JERK!

Girl that works in customer service

2009-07-30T15:28:00.000-04:00

Hey!

You work in customer service! Maybe it's a clothing store, maybe a coffee shop...maybe you're even a cashier in the grocery store. I'm not saying I want to engage in conversation with you, but a simple "hello" would be nice to hear! I'm not being a bitch to you, you shouldn't be a bitch to me. Say hello! It's easy!

Hey girl that works in customer serivce! YOU'RE A BIG JERK!

Guy that stands in subway doors

2009-07-30T14:53:00.000-04:00

Hey!

You're standing in the door of the subway! The train isn't crowded and there's a ton of room to move in, but you chose to stand right in the doorway! Do you move when the doors open? Nope! You just keep standing there, making everyone else move around you.

Hey guy that stands in subway doors! YOU'RE A BIG JERK!