Yo man, how've you been? We went on three dates almost two years ago! Time flies, eh?
Remember how it ended? I told you I wasn't really interested and didn't see a future, and you gave me the silent treatment for three days, and called me a slut and a bitch! Then when I deleted you off Facebook and you totally flipped out, calling me bad names (again) and saying something akin to "good riddance, bitch. I hope your life sucks." In fact, those may have been the EXACT WORDS! Oh man, how time flies.
Then, months later, you try to contact me again. I ignore you because you called me a slutbitch, and you flip out again! More names are spat in my face while I patiently bite my tongue and don't respond
And THEN, a whole year later, you send me a message! You ask me out for coffee. I politely decline and you delete me again.
Oh goodness how time flies! Six months later, you send me another message! You ask me out for coffee again. I politely decline, this time telling you that I don't really want any relationship with you, friendship or other. My message is polite, civil, and even apologetic. You call me an ice cold bitch. I tell you that I'm blocking you and apologize for being rude. I tell you that I hope you have a great summer and have a smooth move out of your parents home. You proceed to send me an email with the phrase "good riddance".
HERE'S THE THING, YOU STUPID LITTLE DICK STUPID COCKSUCKER ASSHOLE FUCKER:
I am being nice to you! You called me a slutbitch! You made me feel bad! We went on THREE DATES. Where many women would have told you to screw off and blocked you immediately after you called them names, I left you with access to my Facebook (which, in writing this down seems petty and silly, but This Day In Age really *does* mean something). Sure, I left you with access mostly out of pity, but I never led you astray, always telling you what I thought in a polite way, and always saying I was sorry that I just didn't want to meet up. I told you that based on what you've showed me in the past, I can pretty much figure out how you'll react in the future and I really didn't need that sort of drama in my life.
AND HEY, GUESS WHAT HAPPENED! YOU REACTED EXACTLY AS I SAID YOU WOULD! You went from hot to cold within two seconds and called me more names!
It is taking EVERY.SINGLE.BONE.IN.MY.BODY. not to respond to your email with some kind of song. A video clip, even. A song that goes something like "la la la, I told you you'd act like this/ la la la I was totally right / la la la I'm sorry I'm not in love with you / la la la I told you so I told you so I told you so..." and so on. My fingers are poised over the keys, simply aching with the want to be petty, mean, rude, bitchy and absolutely childish to you. I want to hurt you. I want to tease you. I want to kick your ass cyberly.
But I won't. Because I'm trying to be a nice person. A nice slutbitch. We *do* exist.
So hey stupid asshole idiot that calls me names yet begs me to go out with him! YOU ARE SERIOUSLY A HUGE JERK. FUCK OFF PLEASE.